What I Can't Say Out Loud....

Curled up in my own dark corner of hell,
Caught up in my nauseous moment of disparity,
As you drift contently off to sleep,
Peaceful in your fucked up version of reality… 

Visions of his face dance in and out of my mind,
Taunting my very existence,
I can’t stand being here anymore,
Always second place to your first life. 

The mere mention of his name makes me cringe,
Yet you insist on using it,
Like a parasite infiltrating my mind,
A filthy, disgusting, vile feeling creeps over me. 

Your perfect little life that you left behind,
To drag in front of my face at every twist and turn,
Toying with my mind and making me weak,
I am powerless to stop you and you press on. 

Everything I am reminds you of him,
Though I try with all I have to be me,
All you see is him,
And I’m condemned to be his shadow. 

You hate me so with everything you have,
Pretending everyday to be happy,
Joyous as you may seem,
But seething in pain with every kitty cat glance. 

If I had a nickel for every time you thought of him,
Or just mentioning his name,
I would buy my happiness….ness…ness back,
As it echoes in the halls of my past. 

Terrified of losing you,
I endure your chaos and try in every way,
To change who you see,
But your vision is hardly 20/20 anymore. 

I’m at my breaking point and I hate myself for it,
For years I have dreamt of a second chance,
But what you have given me is anything but that,
I have been shorted and abused. 

If I were a stronger man,
I’d tell you to go fuck yourself,
But I can’t. I won’t. I love you.
And I hate myself for that.