Now, keep in mind that my son, Kelrith is 3 and my daughter Ivy is 2.
My son is on a superhero kick! EVERYONE gets a super hero name. Daddy is Batman, sister is Batgirl, he’s Robin, Grandma is Catwoman, Granny is Wonder Woman, Papa is Superman, ect. So, who does Mama get to be?
Fuckin’ Joker. I’m the only super VILLIAN! Bullshit, right?
It’s 3 days until Winter comes to visit me and I’m getting my placed cleaned up. I just got done doin’ laundry. I live on the 2nd floor of my apartments. I take the kids up stairs and tell them at go play. I go back downstairs and am getting my laundry basket out of the car when I hear my kid’s window open.
In the window STANDS my 3 year old, wearing a blanket over his shoulders, cape style and my cowboy hat. “I am the terror that flaps in the night!” He announces. He been watching Darkwing Duck.
“Get your ass back in the apartment Kelrith!” I yell at him. I don’t know how many of you ever watched Darkwing Duck but once he is done with his monologue he JUMPS from wherever he is. My son does the same damned thing and he is standing in the second story window.
I also happen to live in Rockwood and those not from Portland. I am the only white woman in Little Mexico. Now, I don’t speak a lot of Mexican but thanks to Dora and my children, I know the word Jump, and it’s flying all around my parking lot.
“I am the mailman that delivers on Sundays!”
I’m panicking now! “GET BACK IN THE APARTMENT NOW!” I am yelling hysterically. I don’t want to try and run up the stairs in case he jumps!
“I am Darkwing Duck!” He reveals his face and readies to jump!
I make the luckiest shot in the ENTIRE WORLD! I empty my laundry basket on the ground and chuck it through his window, knocking the child back inside!
The next thing I hear? “You got me this time Joker!” Now the child is going to die.
I storm upstairs because now my laundry is laying in the parking lot, my son almost commited suicide and I’m still the fucking Joker.
I open the door and THWACK! My daughter is standing there and has just hit me square in the face with the broom. “I got the Joker for you Robin! I am Batgirl!”
Now my nose is bleeding, Winter is showing up in 3 days, I haven’t seen him in about 4 years, and I KNEW I was gonna have a bloody nose.
I grabbed my daughter by her collar, did the same with my son and threw both of them on the couch. I popped in Dora and pointed to the TV. “Sit and watch Dora! SHE DOESN’T JUMP OUT WINDOWS!”
4 days later they meet Winter. They have known him for LESS THAN 24 HOURS! I pick them up from my mother’s house the next morning and my son doesn’t even say hi to me! Instead he asks, “Mama, where’s Wolverine?” I had to do a double take.
“Excuse me?”
“Your friend Mama? Where’s Wolverine?”
I point out the door. “You mean the guy walking with the cane?” I growl.
“Yeah!” Blows right past me.
“So, if he’s Wolverine does that mean I can be Rogue?!” I call after him.
“No Mama! You aren’t cool enough.” He knows them for less than 24 hours and is SLEEPING for most of that time, and he gets to be WOLVERINE?! I raise the kid, I love the kid for all his life, and I’m the Joker. Bullshit.
About 2 months ago the children come to me, asking for cake for breakfast. I say no of course being a sorta responsible Mama. My son says to me “You wanna be promoted? You can be Rogue or Storm…” he taunts. My 2 favorite X-women. Sad thing is, I thought about it for a second. “Uh, no.”
“Why not Mama?” he whines.
“Because I’m the Joker and that’s how I roll.” Score for the Mama.