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School, School, School
By BethanyBallet
i look around
i hear the sounds
this people filled place of "learning"
they teach us to read
they teach us to count
but why so early in the morning
i ask myself every day at 6
why i must go through this again
i think of my parents and how
they wish
they could start all over again
i believe if they could come back in the midst of all the time
i would not be as wise as i am
and my life would not be as fine
i have been somewhere where talking surrounds me
and breathing is just a game
but to the little boy in the corner of the world
i will come play with you
we can be there for each other just as my family is for me
Okay, I seriously thought this poem was going somewhere but I guess i was
just ranting..
Any thoughts on how to help clear my head?
I am at school in a computer class.. With nothing productive to do..
Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited.
Ask the author first.
© 2008 BethanyBallet
Published on Thursday, April 17, 2008.
Filed under:
"Rant"
Comments on "School, School, School"
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A former member wrote:
This poem really is special. In a good way. To me it seem natural in a way poems often don't, not as "forced", and that is something I really like about it.
May I ask what, more specifically, you thought of when writing it? :)
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On Tuesday, April 29, 2008, Rebel tiGer King
(239)
wrote:
i hardly have anything productive to do, this cheers me up some :D -symph-
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On Thursday, April 17, 2008, Alanarchy
(1168) wrote:
I really did like this. It did seem to tumble out of it's original context after the line; "and my life would not be as fine" The next two lines were okay, but after that, I felt like you started to loose me. I'd expand on the "I think of my parents and how they wish they could start all over again" dot dot dot. I really liked that train of thought, and I thought it was a shame you didn't shade it in more.
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On Saturday, April 19, 2008, BethanyBallet
(21) wrote:
Thanks so much for the help, I was trying to concentrat at school, and I did come up with very many "Poems" in that one little one.. So I am going to pick out and build on and then post it for DP. Thanks again for the ideas Alanarchy... I appreciate the help!
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On Thursday, April 17, 2008, Alanarchy
(1168) wrote:
"i have been somewhere where talking surrounds me and breathing is just a game" Left alone, those two lines seem a bit melodramaticly dark, in an otherwise melancholly, and slightly humorous opening. But, they can be used effectively if you built them up more. Lead up to them, instead of just having them all there, and stark. Can be used as repetition too, to give them more effect if you did it right. I don't know if you know what I mean by that :D and I can't tell you how. I just hope i'm maybe giving you some ideas.
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On Thursday, April 17, 2008, Alanarchy
(1168) wrote:
The little boy in the corner of the world thing, was a little strange to me, and felt a little too far out of context. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's another thing you can build up to, instead of just airing it out there plainly. It WAS interesting, but It's presentation was a little off. Like I said, I'd like to see you build upon "my parents wish..." and maybe tie some of these out there, but still very cool and creative ideas together nice and neat. But hey, these are my opinions. Feel free to completely disregard them. That'd be better. It seems you feel like this is unfinished, and I would love to see you do this in your own unique way. Killer start, though. I really did enjoy the read so far.
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