a disclaimer* for my neurosis

i apologize for my chaos,
but i am not easily won over,
and once you've crossed that line i can't account
for my erratic behavior.
i put up all these calm and collected fronts
so you will not see the break down of my analysis,
the obsession of every word you've ever said
to make me believe that you'd want more than this.

i want the frantic lover who will do anything
to reassure me,
i want you to be more convincing than Van Gough
so if you can't sever limbs then don't come crawling back.

but i also need my independence,
i don't need an extra body hanging on me all the time,
i want to go on long walks by myself
so i can scream to no one,
but if you're there
you better be listening.

i want to be able to be a part of your name
so that when i say them together
it sounds familiar to my lips
and people will nod when i refer to you as "him"
and when i'm frustrated i want you to know what's wrong
without asking me in detail why i'm crying,
because i will cry so rarely before you
that it should be an ordeal, and you should hold me.

but if i don't make eye contact
then let me be with my humility,
don't get too close if i'm in fetal position
or if i'm rocking back and forth.
you don't want to poke or prod a crazy person,
i have my moments,
let them be.
when they pass, don't ever speak of them again.

i will make you breakfast, i will rub your back
i will be everything that a "good woman" should be
without asking.
but if you so much as imply that your dinner isn't done
when you want it, you will have it
thrown in your face with a force you never knew i had.

i will surprise you often,
be pleased, but don't be shocked because
i want you to know me enough that you aren't astonished
with my unpredictability, but keep enough distance
so that you're not finishing my sentences
because i'm a picky girl, and i often need the last word.

this is just a preliminary into my psyche
all the pretexts of my personality are destined to
drain you, to diminish your demeanor, to fade you out.

and i apologize in advance for my mental unsoundness
but believe me, stability only comes
when i have no reason to react.
so if i go over the edge,
fall off my rocker,
drown into dementia,
become rabid with delusions,
and occassionally fall into episodic rants...

it's only because i really, really love you.
otherwise i wouldn't say a god-damn thing.