I Didn't Know

"Losing all hope was freedom"- The Narrator, Fight Club, Chuck Palahunik
"It is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything."- Tyler Durden, Fight Club, Chuck Palahunik




I didn’t know how many pills to take,
So I stole three boxes from the corner store.
“Guaranteed to help you sleep!” the box proclaimed
I took the pills and counted them,
Holding freedom in my palm

I didn’t know you loved him so…

There was no water to take them with,
So I washed them down with whiskey

I just couldn’t let you go…

I took a swallow for every year he has on you
It was seventeen in all.

Impossible…

My eyes swell up with tears as I begin to weep.
While he was finishing his last high school semester
Your mother was in her first trimester of having you.

My love for you…

I take another swallow and half the bottle’s gone.
Christ. Am I the one that’s sick?

Unrivaled…

My head feels light and my eyes begin to swim.
I see him, all garbed in black and graduating
Then the colors swirl and melt and I’m transported.
I’m in a strange new house and she looks so much like you
But she isn’t, because you’re inside her rounded belly
First month of her second trimester

Except by the sorrow…

Again the colors swim and darkness rules.
My body is rocked by spasms
Bile in my nose and throat
I start to choke and then let go

Of losing you…