recovery?

The days are short in Bristol or so it seems to Jay as he heads his way into the ,just the wrong side of the tracks, inner city council estate. He can't see this working out, but what the hell?what's the alternative? He muses kicking a dr pepper can pipe at a nearby green, peeling wall murial , toxix's the tag .Hardly a banksy ! He misses the edge of London more and more each day. 99 problems and a ' Jaz Z ends abruptly as he switches off his walkman and squares up to the closed door.

The doorbells old fashioned ring reminds him of home and he shudders inside . Nothing scares him quite like his memories. The girl who answers the door is pretty , hair tied into dreadlocks which frame her rounded youthful face giving her an air of the contemporary. She smiles cagily, clearly she is as surprised to see the stocky young lad as he is her.
Is Coulston in?' Yes I know there's no such word spell check, it's a name.
Yes?', is her smile always so stunning? he wonders or is today special?, "who shall I say is here?"
My names De..' Fuck he thinks, Coulston already knows his real name, 'sorry Jay.'
Dad' she shouts back into the house , There's someone called d jay here to see you!"
Jay shifts his weight between his feet , embarrassed thumbs fidgeting behind him . There's some sort of shit Indie music coming from inside the apartment and he wishes he hadn't come, or at least he's had a boot before he came. It's not the first or last time that such a thought will betray his purpose today.
Let im in then Cara' a thick Bristolian voice drawls from inside the house, "and put the kettle on while your there love"
Jay steps over the threshold somewhat relieved to get off the unfamiliar streets, he doesn't trust himself enough to know that he could control himself if one of these hill-billy fuck wits started on him. And yet that is the boy in the man who he is trying to leave behind.
Sit down luv', Cara motions to a threadbare sofa in the chaotic yet homely lounge, before disappearing into the kitchen that lies directly off it. Jay gladly follows her outstretched arm, it's been quite a hike across town and he's noticing more and more how hilly Bristol is. He sits down somewhat awkwardly, the first time in a strange house. 'how many sugars?' Cara's soft voice calls from the kitchen.

Coulston makes quite a noise coming down the stairs. His burly frame, tatoo's and goatee cut quite an imposing figure but there is a gentleness in his eyes that counteracts all of this and that first attracted Jay to him at the meeting the other week. He smiles warmly and wraps our hero in a warm bear hug,
"good to see you Jay," he says "I wasn't sure whether you would come."
"me neither." Jay laughs honestly
"how was college today ?' The older man asks.
Shit bruv!' the curse is redundant. If anger had a name today it would almost certainly be Jay
I thought you liked it there.'
they won't let me spit!'
obviously.'
eh?'
you can't spit in a class room.' Anyone else would have got a dig, but J is beginning to like this old alky despite himself, if only because he is starting to see that they share a degraded history
oh yeah,' Jay pauses, not spit Gobbing spit, my lyrics man, they want fiction', I don't do fiction I do life.'
clearly.' Coulston can't help himself
Jay snarls a familiar knot tying itself inside of him , fuck off!'
You're an addict Jay.'
no shit!' Jay sneezes
I know your an addict, your family know you're an addict, fuck me half of South London knows you're an addict because their things have been disappearing for years'
Mmmm'
the question is Jay,' C is on familiar ground now, what are you going to do about it?'
Stop using.'
ever tried that before?' Coulston strokes his beard , they both know that the question is rhetorical.
prison?!'
How long after you got out before you used.'
how long it took to get home I suppose.'
Have you thought any more about what we were reading last week?'
ain't got much else to do.'
and what do you think?' Coulston asks, do you relate?'
its all a bit old fashioned man.'
addicts didn't change with the advent of colour Jay.'
Jay's eyes go distant as he ponders the question properly.
yeah,' he says finally , it is me , always trying to control the show and shit but..'
But?'
that's the way it is you see C,' if I don't look after myself no one else is going to do it.' the lads frustration is palpable, people would just take the piss man.'
who said anything about someone else taking over?'
that's the point innit , you people , you AA's or whatever do it yeah?'
No Jay.'
who , then, what?'
we believe that we suffer from a disease'
No way.' jay interrupts, disease..I just like drugs that's all.'
really?' Coulston keeps his calm ,'you didn't look too happy when I met you.'
I was clucking that's all,' shrugs, goes with the territory.'
And Lisa?'
Jay's really angry now and makes no attempt to hide it.
I should knock you out you fat idiot!'
Jay this stuff is deadly serious,' The older man speaks softly , slowly, you know that.'
Just don't bring Lis into this ok'
ok,' Coulston offers, but she's not the first person that you've lost.'
Jay is sad and quite, silently counting names.
look Jay,' His sponsor puts an arm on his shoulder, 'we suffer from a seemingly helpless state of body and mind.'
yeah.'
And no human power can relieve it.'
What's the point then C?'
The point is Jay that God can and will if his help is saught.'
bollocks.'
ever worship anything?'
no!'
that first hit that takes the pain away?'
Jay can't help but chuckle , almost longingly. 'Well'
Money,' Coulston asks, 'ever worshiped material things?'
No I just take them.'
What I'm trying to explain Jay,' the kid must admit that this gentle giant has a way of putting things. 'is that you've spent your whole life in the service of a power greater than yourself,' Coulston lifts his hands demonstratively, ' a lower power.'
The statement hits home , Jay can feel it. The rush as the car starts from a hotwire, as the speedball hits home as the innocent girl gives way to his advance. Everything he loves. Everything that makes him hate himself so much. He can almost grasp Coulston and an un-namable fear rises into his gut.
So what your asking me to do,' he can't quite find the words but try's anyway, is let go of myself.'
exactly.'
cant do it.'
I'm not asking you to.' he really isn't, just consider it.'
consider what ?'
that there's a greater thrill than that from taking,' Coulston believes because he knows, 'the feeling of hope , not tight and restricting, releasing rather than suffocating. Giving is a feeling rather than a reaction'
I don't get it.'
neither did I' Coulston gazes at Jay tenderly , trying to judge where the boy is at, I believe you have a step one treatment did that for you.'
No shit C,' Jay smiles , I am definitely powerless.'
You want to try step 3?'
What happened to two.'
Just think about what we've been talking about,' Coulstons clearly done this before, 'we can always go over it again.'
Jay still finds it hard to believe that this wizened old hippy is taking time out to help him. Such a thing is unheard of in his world, ok I'll give it a go.' a sigh ,what do I do? Coulston hands Jay a piece of paper with a prayer written on it.
Just get on your knees and read along with me.'
Jay kisses his teeth but feels obliged and they say the prayer together.
God, I offer myself to thee- to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties ,that victory over them may bear witness to those that I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way way of life. May I do thy will always.' Jay feels completely ridiculous but try's not to show it out of respect. Its been an interesting afternoon and a nice cup of tea and he has genuine affection for this God fearing reformed biker.
Thank's Coulston,' they hug,'I really felt that.'

The young junkie's head is crammed with thoughts as he leaves. He had no idea he'd have to become a nut to get off the gear. He cuts through blakely park on the way home and sits by a lake to smoke a cigarette. Two great big graceful swans drift over towards his forlorn figure maybe sensing that he has food for them .
The sun is just beginning to set and watching the birds and the trees and bathed in golden light Jay feels peace for the first time in a long time. Maybe there is a God after all. 'Nah!' he laughs and gets out his works and sets about a long familiar ritual. Softest blue gives way to red and life washes away beautifully.
The swan flutters its wings furiously , as if voicing Gods frustration.