Let me be me.

Lord knows that I have done things and said things that I should not have. I know I have not done things and not said things that I should have. I know that I have hurt people, left people hanging, and forgotten about people. I know that of all the people in the world I am not the most golden person. I wish that I could go back change things, make things right, tell people things before hand. Can’t go back thou only forward. Living in the past fixes nothing and even if it did where would I start? How much more would I be enjoyed if I had not grown up around guys? Would I be like others? Would I be like them? More into the whole dress up thing, willing to spend hours trying on dresses and looking at things. If I was more a girl then a boy would things be different? More girl logic then boy logic, then what? An outsider among my own friends at times. The brunt end of unknown anger and rage. Am I to lax in my ways? To unlike others? Standing with those that are so very unlike me. Fight after fight, angry word after angry word, glare after glare. What keeps me grounded? Why have I not broken away like I have with others? Why do I feel so damn loyal to those who I deem friends? Pushed away when I need someone, pulled in when I am needed, pushed away when I come to close. Confused. No joke. One person, then the other, back and forth. One at a time not both. When you not able to hold a strong friendship with one you lean toward the other leaving one hanging. Maybe I have fallen to damn close for no damn reason, maybe because I lost what I used to have to hold onto. Maybe it’s all just building up. All of it. I don’t know it all, I don’t know everything that has been handled by each person but I know what I have faced, challenged, over come, and still deal with. I know that I can’t change my past, I can’t change what I am now… who I am now. Why must I feel then that I am lesser because of how I grew up? Why must I be pushed away because I have more boy logic? Why must I feel like the evil person just because I am different? I can’t change what I have done or have failed to do, I must live with everything. It is my own fault. Let me be who I am and not send me the glares, not push me away, don’t speak with such tones, such degrading tones. Pease, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, please just let me be me.