we've all been to hell and back, or most of us have, i've found it to be wonderfully damming and beautifully hated, but once back you know, now you can go though anything and make it out........

but something happens to you in that place. in the dark, something changes you and everyone around you is suddenly trying to change you into someone you once hated, and loved.. it doesn't seem fair....... why can't they accept it, they did this to you, they forced you in to believeing, until you could believe no more, they inflicted their problems on you, but you were so young, you weren't meant to save them, only a baby when it began, for a time, you had a caretaker, but his addiction, took a hold, you didn't drive him away, and her addiction, was now her life....... for a short time, you were someone's babygirl, someone's child, but then he left, not a word, not a good bye, left you screaming for him, to come home, never even turned around, he lefted you, alone, and with no one to cling to, no one to turn to, because everyone wanted something more.........

now your tears are numb, but you had her, your mother, no, she didn't want to actually take care of you, nor could she let you go to a better family, pride, so you went where ever she took you, Don't you remember, the locked outs, banging on the door to get in because you were hungary or thirsty, or going to nieghboring houses and asking for something to eat, because your mother was too lazy to open the door, or maybe wearing mildewed clothes, because she didn't want to wash them, or getting your ass beat, for no reason, or maybe that time you fell asleep in the bathtub, you never knew it was a crime, maybe you remember her leaving to go to bars, looking to get laid.

prehaps my child, you'll remember this.... they're seated around the table, filling your head with different scerios of what could of happen and maybe you just imagine his hand touching you there( what eight year old imagines that?) but they are desperatly trying to get you to change the story, so they don't have to call the cops and report it, he is afterall family, so you change it, that way they could go on....... as the years, past, you try to forget, until he's back, and your blood is boiling over, you think you can feel the steam come out your ears, but you never say anything, better if left unsaid.

yes, there is more to my story, and hell, seems far kinder then this reality, but i must tell it, in fractions, so that i'm not filled with the sudden urge to cry, or so that i don't travel back into time, and suddenly find the razor blade, because i'm happy now... and the saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, in some strange way it must be true, but what doesn't kill you, will put fear into you