2007-01-14 Journal Entry( facing my fears?)

it's midnight, and i'm suddenly ashame of the scars i've inflicted on my self, just months before, ashame that if anyone should discover them, maybe they would leave........ my greatest fears are that i'll be left again, let down and forgotten about........i realize that people have a place, but while i'm still searching, i find myself wishing for something more and maybe he is right, we all have to get past the fear at some point?, What is the use of holding on? to something that hurt you so badly?, other then to remain wounded to the outsider

and i'm awake though not by purpose, sorta accindent like, got carried away inside a book, i think i'm waking up form a ill-fated nightmare that wouldn't let me go, and sometimes it's better to ignore than to accept...........

something as complicated and yet simple at the same time, should be quite remarkable, but then you are left with the fear, maybe you aren't good enough, what if it's bad to him, what if, all the what ifs, he's expericence, so much more then you. though you aren't crying wolf, nor are you telling the exact truth. yes i thread that line, so complex if only you knew of the circumstances could you understand.

i'm scared and ashame for the things i've done, karma has a way of coming back to you, though no, i never hurt anyone intentional and i've stood up for things i believed in, but maybe along the way, someone was hurt because of me, because of my existence. i can't help but wonder. Why now?

why now?, why am i able to trust now, and if i trust too much will i be hurt again? why do i feel safe, like he would never hurt me ( at this point) intentionally, and it doesn't make sense, should i start to back away now? it'll be easier, but i know i'll regret it, if i didn't stick it out and find where it leads.

i'm ashame of the scars and marks i have inflicted on myself, for the first time in my life since i've quit the cutting and burning and everything that everyone seemed so sure was self-destructive, i am ashame of them, the scars and burns, because now they no longer stand as a symbol of what i've been though and then i made it out okay, they stand for, i was weak, to give into it, i was curious but weak, to succumb to it......... i had an image in my mind that i was strong......but maybe i wasn't, but now i am........

it's been 4 months since the last cut and 2-3 months since the last burn, i describe that as strong, but am i strong enough to succumb to trusting completely?, will i be strong enough to walk away ( if i succumb to trusting completly?)

i guess, in the end, time will tell, and my wounded piece will be mended as my heart is returning to life, but i've already made the first mistake- i opened up, to someone other then a therapist and my aunt - i opened up and it felt good, but what if i get hurt, prehaps it'll be better if i left well enough alone instead of pondering and waiting- for something that may not come- and prehaps i should face my fear- head on- only way i'll ever move pass it right?