My Life

A monster lives inside of my heart. I don’t know why it is there or why God or any other idea of a higher power could let it exist. How could something so all powerful and knowing allow me to be? The worst part is that I am still here. I’ve never been caught, and I never will be. I’ve acknowledged myself, saw myself as something that will not be productive to society, and cast myself out. I guess in a biblical sense, I’m God and Satan at the same time. I like that, it makes me smile. Some times the truth hurts, but others it just makes you smile. That’s just how it goes. I can hear things in my head, but they are not my thoughts. They belong to a twisted individual; I think some call it the ‘natural man.’ Supposedly his then enemy of God, so I guess I’m my own enemy, through and through. I always have the urge to destroy things. I’ll see something, like a wall, and a voice in my head says, ‘Hey, that needs a hole in it!’ Then before I know it, I’m punching it. I think that’s pretty much how animals work. ‘Hey look at that, I don’t care if it’s already dead, I’m gonna eat it!’ What the hell? I don’t know. I’ve grown to the point where I like it. I’m a destructive person. I like fire too. That’s why I’m staring at the fire burning in front of me. It’s mesmerizing watching the flames dance. I like it better than dancing women. Maybe it’s my fault, that’s what any good moral person would tell you. And if they are ignorant, they will try to blame it on my parents or my upbringing. Who knows? Things have been going into my head since I was young. After I use her, I’m gonna kill her. That’s what is going into my head right now. What would an animal do? I’ve seen it happen with my cat, a simple creature. He fucks his own mom, his own sister. I guess I’m no better than an animal. That’s why I’m out in the woods. I’ve been thinking and planning and plotting on ways to harm our society, or rather, your society, because I’m not a part of it. There’s something wrong with me, remember? Prison would never work, because I’m an animal, and I need to be free. I would only try to get out. Prison also is a failure, because it tries to fix people like me, and make them suitable for society. But we are not suitable, that’s why we stick out. I’ve been thinking on it for a few years, since I’ve been old enough to think about it. I guess that’s what I’m made for. I’ve been sent down by God to destroy man. Well, God, fuck you. That’s what I’ve got to say. I don’t want to destroy man. I like humans. That’s why I think about feeding on them. That’s why I want to destroy them, because the only thing I really want to break is myself. I can be you Jesus. That’s my final punishment, and only I can impose it. I love humans too much, as I was saying. I have always wondered what it would be like to take one for my self. She could be my slave. I would fulfill all my carnal desires. I’ve know a few women in my life. They are someone’s future mother. They are someone’s sister, daughter, or cousin. What would it be like to be her brother? Does he feel desire towards her like I do? What if I desired my own flesh and blood sister? What’s wrong with that? She’s a woman isn’t she?. It’s a societal taboo, so I guess I don’t belong in society after all. And that brings me back to the woods. I’ve broken free from those who would call me a crook. I cannot be wrong if there isn’t anyone to judge me but myself. And I’m always right. I seized my love. I took her out to the woods. I confessed everything to her. And you know what, she said no. She could have been my queen, but instead she declined. I told her one last confession, and this curdled her blood. I told her we weren’t in civilization anymore, and that we can be together. In this new world, I am the judge and jury. And I’m also the cook. I always wondered how it would be to taste another human, especially a woman, because they are so tender. I think that as it goes on, life only makes you yearn for that first taste of life. When you get to be in position, that is if you ever get here, you will know what life tastes like. And from that day forward you will do what ever you can in your power to get that back, the feeling that you own the entire world. The first time I truly felt that, I was in the woods. I was accompanied by the ghost of my little sister, and it was her life blood that stained my lips and body. Since that day, I’ve killed, but I have never achieved that original high. Male, female, it does not matter. I killed and partook of my kill, and felt great, but not the greatest. Maybe it was because we shared a special bond. I will know tonight, I’m looking through the trees right now at my home. And there on the porch, enjoying a cigarette is my other sister. Tonight I will feast again, and find out the secret of my universe.