fighting a lonely war ( a farewell to kelly)

and it begins
the cease fire has broken
peace is gone
welcome chaos

hanging up the phone
& collapsing to the floor
so we’re truly done
you are with someone new
doing things with him
that you’ve only done with me

i haven’t felt like this in three years
i cracked open
heart shattered
& lying on the ground
tears escaping
my cries
echoing all around

i loved you so much
now all i have
is visions of your body
with someone else inside you
and i want to vomit

i vowed years ago to never again
feel this way
never let anything anyone
effect me like the last girl
but i loved you so much more
& this pain hurts 10x worse

you fucking broke me!
you fucking broke me!
i’ve cried very little the past few years
holding back a dozen tears
but haven’t broken until now
& i fucking broke because of you

you fucking broke me
my tears soaking my hands
like “raindrops”
in that song you love

it’s easy for me to fall in love
but so hard to fall out
girls always complain about men
not being able to commit
that’s because it’s easy for girls
to walk away from love
while the men are left feeling like shit

i want you to look up
look up at the night sky
while i sit here & wait
do you see all those stars?
the once i once compared you to?
watch as i destroy them all
& pull the remainder from your eyes
i am going to implode them
so you can never have them
create black holes
like the one in my chest

i’ll be here waiting
while you’re out there
with him

i won’t allow myself to think about you
and i’ve already erased your number
from my phone

what is so great about love?
you always lose it
& it makes you
never wanna love again

i am so stupid
i am such a fucking fool
all i ever did was be great to you
& treat you
the way you deserved
gave you everything i wanted
& loved ou as much as i could
so i guess it was obvious to see
that i don’t deserve you

it’s funny isn’t it?
my imbecilic notions
while i’m hear writing poems for you
about what i dream for us
& how amazing i thought you were
you were in bed with someone else
that just goes to show me
that this is what you get
when you try your hand
at love

i now kind of wish i had hurt you
or used your body
to merely get off
i wish i would’ve hit you
or not appreciated you
that way the pain i feel would be
somewhat justified

what i feel right now
makes me
hate & regret
everything we ever did
& had

i’m happy i don’t have
that many pictures of you
that way there is less
for me to burn
not like i really would though

you once asked me
how many girls had i
had sex with on the bed
we shared
i was surprised but proud
to answer “two”
you and the other “girl i once knew”
& i thought how interesting
that the only girls to share that bed
were girls i truly loved

ironically yesterday i bought a new bed
& today i learn you slept
with someone new
so now the slate has been wiped clean
& the next girl i’ll fuck
on my bed
will surely
never be
you

in this “battle of who could care less”
you won
& i lay defeated
heading off to fight
in the next stage of this war

i guess i shouldn’t rely on you
to save me anymore