their voices echoed through the house
as if projected
through gestapo loudspeahers
their jabbering laughs
i was in bed
tired from my nightly binge
the darkness before
the door to my room closed
soon to be opened
i was awaiting her arrival in my domicile
the stairs began creaking
with the pain from their age
this house is almost the same age
as me at 22
i felt her approaching
i’ve not seen her in months
i didn’t know why she was here
doorknob jingled
a little bit jangled
i closed my eyes
pretended to be asleep
she came in
dropped her purse to the floor
like she used to do
back when she was mine
pulling out the stool from beneath my desk
she sat down
knowing my ruse she began to talk
wanting me to get up
get out
go out and spend the day
with her shopping and talking
and “govereeting”
struggling not to smile or
open my heavy eyelids
eyelids not kissed by her in years
we were going to a going away party that night
at her boyfriend’s house
my bestfriend’s house
a party for another friend
he is going away
leaving
like she once left me
i still kept up my game
eyes closed
breathing normally
she stopped speaking
i could feel her eyes on my body
a body she hasn’t seen in years
her voice became different
when she began again
more insecure
more sedated
monotone
the words she spoke
she had practiced before
helping to delude herself
and make it easier
to get over us
“you know i am happier with him,
he treats me the way
i deserve to be treated” she said
“i love him and he loves me, unlike you.
there was a time when i believed
in what we had” she said
she knew i was awake
and it became obvious
because i began to breathe deeper
“open your eyes, please open them.
i loved you, i did, but
we never would’ve worked,
we have to forget what we had.”
i began to cry, sobbing hard
breathing harshly
“please open your eyes, B”
(she always called me B although
i fucking hated it)
“please open your eyes”
i still kept them closed
tears leaking through
i loved her
i know i loved her
and her me
but i ruined it
i know this
and i’m over it
i swear it
i don’t love her like i did
back in the days of gold
and she no longer cares for me
and i can accept that
“we have to forget what we shared,
and try to be friends”
i kept sobbing and crying
i loved what we were so much
“please open your eyes, Brett”
and i knew i couldn’t
i loved her but was so afraid
i knew what i’d find if i opened them
i cried and she sat there
begging me to look at her
i was so afraid
but i opened them to find
she was no longer there
she never was
she was a dream
she is the memory of
“a girl i once knew”
a girl whose ghost
i’ll always live with in my head
and that is the my penance
for what i did to her