buildup/breakdown

(or home used to be wherever you were)

i’m in that place again
feeling the way i do sometimes
in that mood
where i sit and stare
and don’t blink for hours
staring at the wall
feeling i could melt it with my eyes
instead it all bleeds white
and i see images displayed before me
the faces of the ones i’ve hurt
those words that people have said
i’m feeling that the world hates me
and that i don’t have any friends
when this happens all i can think about
is the mistakes i’ve made

when this happens i just get in my truck
and drive away from the city
that filthy fucking place
with its sexboards lining the highways
and jerk-off shops on every corner
its so disgusting
i drive off into the country
into the middle of Kansas
the dark fields
where there are no city (shitty) lights
the only glow is from the flaming orbs
in the black sky
the burning of my heart
and the fire in my eyes
i get so tense and pent up with rage
my face turns red
and it feels like i am drunk
it feels like i could piss fire
and ejaculate lava
that if i tried hard enough
i could make my chest explode
and ayounger version of me could pop out
a naked crying me
a young me before
before it all

before the corruption
before the lies
before the seduction
before the alcohol
before the useless sex
and the drugs
before the stench of life

i want to destroy everything when this happens
all of my possessions
i want to rip the skin from everyones face
i’m tired of all of this
i’m so fucking tired of being like this
alone
so tired.