Bittersweet

Isn't it funny that on a dark night, when most of the world is obscured from view, you can see things so much better? The moon is a small crescent hanging lazily in the night sky, surrounded by hundreds of twinkling gems of light. It's a moment to savor. A moment short lived.
Inside, the lights are too bright. I choose to sit in my small room, dimming the lamp to a soft glow. Quietude breeds reflection, and the esoteric face in the mirror is not a pretty sight. Years have gone by, and the only thing that keeps you young is your own failing eyesight that smoothes the lines only others can see. Voices from the past whisper softly in your mind, accompanied by a deluge of memories. You answer them with two unspoken words, "go away."
Love that turned into hate, kindness answered by cruelty, stinging words that never brought any outward sign of acknowledgement except for the tear that glimmered in your eye. You're too strong to cry.
I'm gonna put a hurt on you. (Like you haven't already.) I'm going to do everything I can to drive you crazy. (Just leave me alone.) She's an asshole. (I pretend I didn't hear.) She messed up those kids' lives. (I've always done the best I could.) You're a fucking cunt. I hate you. (ouch. Maybe I didn't do such a good job after all.) You worthless piece of shit. (I give up. Maybe everybody is right.)
Sometime between then and now, I had managed to turn off the light altogether, and I sit in the dark, knees clutched to my chest. I have changed my life so much, but the past is forever one step behind me. I can feel that same bittersweet tear rise up in the corner of my eye, but even alone with no one to witness, I still can't cry. The moonlight that creeps through the window glints off the metal of the imaginary knife that I have killed myself with a hundred different times in my mind. Crimson droplets dry on the carpet, then fade with the dawning of the next day.
An illusory smile adorns the mask I wear as I take a step into the waking world, and I know that this one day will only lead to another. Have some coffee, crack a joke or two just to make them smile. It's such a good act, I play the role so well, even I can almost be fooled, except for that unwept tear still in the corner of my eye....... bittersweet.