~My father.~
My father burns in my memory,
An angry scowl
Framing his biting words,
Every sentence a shot to kill,
A sting- searing in my skin.
And I stand there, an outsider,
Watching it all happen
Through a stranger’s eyes-
A foggy vision
Slow motion, like an endless movie in my head.
But they’re mine own, mine own eyes.
And I watch
As he stands there yelling,
His veins throbbing in his temples,
And a miniature of him
Across the room, trembling with frustration.

And the screams are rising!
Oh, the room is filled with insults,
Cutting, murderous words,
And they lash across the girl,
Each one a slap in the face.
And she’s yelling-
I am yelling-
And father leaves,
A nasty look of disgust on his face-
“stupid girl, useless girl, you are worth NOTHING.”

And I’m left trembling in his wake,
Hateful tears pushing out;
I HATE HIM.
And I collapse onto my bed,
A shudder,
A nothing
In this house.
But I force myself
To close my eyes- he mustn’t see,
He mustn’t see
Me crying.
I won’t give him the satisfaction.

But the tears are pushing, struggling
And my eyes dart to a drawer in my desk,
A treasure chest
With my anger’s currency-
Bloodloss.
And I reach over, hesitate, but I open it-
Oh, don’t let me open it!
But it’s out now, out,
A pretty, shiny thing,
So beautiful
And so deadly
-touch me and you wither-

I pierce the skin,
Only a scratch, only a line
Only a drop of bitter blood,
My ambrosia, my drink.
And I pick up the phone
To call him,
I pick up the phone and dial for help-
But he isn’t home,
I knew it, I just tried
Pointlessly.
My best friend isn’t home.

And I need him, I need to talk to him,
To hear him, -you- to hear you tell me it’s ok,
To love me, to protect me
From that monster,
That snake,
That worm.
I need you to protect me
But you aren’t home,
And I can hardly blame you.

And so I struggle
To fight back this torrent of tears
And I shudder and sob and drag
the tip of the blade across my skin
And I only wish someone could hear me
Speak.