Once More

And while I'm laying there
Face down to the stone cold floor
The pool of crimson red, will spread
And then maybe I'll be free once more
Or will I?
As I stare out on the blood red seam
The sunset masqued by clouds
I realize that there is nothing left of me
Nothing to be said aloud
Or is there?
A poet's, dreamer's, lover's exit, escape, sanctuary, sanctity
None of this matters, not when the blade is raised
Romance, love, existence, resistance
They are all just shadows in the dark and nothing's saved
And when the sun rises and touches my form, it will be cold
Nothing will warm my deepest hollows
Nothing will illuminate my core
Nothing less, nothing more
Only eyes reflected on the road, just beyond the headlight's beam
In the distance I heard a scream and wiped my eyes
Of the tears streaming down my weary cheeks
Yes, it's obvious, I haven't slept for days and days and weeks and weeks
Only I no longer care for the things of this earth
And I await my rebirth, into the light of the darkness
These are my hands and my feet
They are bound with biting ropes
These are my eyes and my ears
They are sealed with wax
These are my lips
Sewn shut with dragon's hair
And kissed by fairy tears
No screams will pass through that barred door
The windows are shuttered for the coming storm
No one can see out our fate now sealed
The doors are locked, for there is a stranger
Ambling up the drive
With haunted eyes and gnashing teeth
No one can get in, get out, destiny revealed
And only the lonely, mad about reality
Dare to dream what that dark future might be
There is no fidelity among the outcast horde
There is no unity in their bleak, gaunt faces
But say,
For one brief and shining moment
One does awaken
And scales to far off frozen mountain tops
Then looks back at his ascent
What of that one?
What is to become of him?
When he is cast from his lofty summit
And his brains dashed on the rocks below?
Where was his savior?
Who was his messiah?
Sitting in the garage, motor running
Living, longing, to die
Lying in a warm bath, the water slowly turning pink
The stench of freshly cut copper
Basking in the steamy air
Who is the one to wonder why?
Do you see?  Do you hear the screams?
Or are your eyes and ears sealed with wax?
Can't you, why don't you, cry out?
Or have your lips been sealed with fairy tears
And sewn shut with dragon's hair?
I ran off, feet tramping in the snow
The aurora before me, St. Elmo's fire before me
Burning away in the night
Screaming
"Leave me, love me, forgive me
Forget me, forsake me
Forget me..."
Then maybe I will be able to sleep
And sit and face the dawn
My windows open, and the wind blowing back my hair
And the days are short
And the nights are long
Perhaps you might hear me
Singing the same old lonely song
Or maybe not
For I was never really there
A dream you grasp at two minutes before waking
Lost before the dream sweat dries
Standing straight and tall
My back bared to the lashes of the screaming wind
I whisper
"Forgive me father, I have sinned"
I have lost what was, what is, and what should have been
And I'm not sure which is worse
A love lost or a love cursed
And the screams of the Legion call at me
And the Dark One beckons to me
To come fill up his gallery of suicides
Wake up, wake up and tell me
(homicide)
Whose casket is this?
(regicide)
Who lies within?
(genocide)
Who is listed among the dead, the fallen, the lost
And I raised my head to hear the chant
Then fell with a thunderous crash
Down again to the cold, stone floor
Replaying the possible beginnings
Hoping to be free
Hoping beyond hope
To escape
Just once
Maybe just once more.

January 4, 1997