tearing down the destructionist

i told her i would try
i didn't say when-
or how hard.

so here i sit. sweat pouring
and the shakes are the least of my problems.

but
i'm distracted
by someone else's thoughts
dripping unfiltered
in the back room:

percolating,
perserverating,
per...fuck.
--i need to focus.


and i told her i would try
but i didn't say when-
or how hard.

so i sit. here.
in different words-
speaking the same sentences
because i didn't make a promise
to be better.

and focus is the last of my concerns.
because these shakes
- they're rattling my foundations
and i'm trying.
but i never said i wouldn't fail.


she's tapping an impatient fingernail
inside my skull
with every breath
scraping tally marks for the minutes
i've been
clean

or something.


So I sit. Spine straight.
Reclaiming some semblance
of capital structure

and I told her
I'm done trying.