I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I was 15 and I had a death wish. How is it possible to be 15 and have a death wish? It's a long and complicated story.

My parents said, like all parents, that it was teenage angst. My parents, like all parents, were in denial. My parents also never knew everything about me.

"Hi, my name is Jennie, and I'm a cutter, I'm a rape victim, and I'm a drug addict."

"Hi, Jennie!"

Do they have support groups for this? Not then, not that I knew of. Not in my town. So, I continued to cut myself, to use whenever emotions ran to high. I got sad, I sliced my wrist. I got angry, I sliced my forearm. Sounds fun, huh? Sound crazy. Yes. But I slipped under the radar. I never got put in a hospital. I was sent to therapy. By my high school. No kidding. They caught me cutting and sent me to James, and no lie, I was much smarter than him. And I got out of it in 3 months. 6 visits total. Did nothing for me. I had him fooled, I had my school fooled, I had my parents fooled-my whole family. They never found out about my drug problems, my alcohol problems, my sex problem, my self-injury. I confessed little as I got older, but not all of it. I drank excessively, I smoked weed, I snorted dope, I had a lot of one night stands. Typical bad girl who never really got caught. Lucky me.

Ha!

I still drink too much and though I'm on a self-inflicted "sabbatical", I still indulge in many drugs. The sex? I have a boyfriend and only have sex with him. I learned my lesson about sluttiness. STDs, unwanted pregnancies-I've had my fair share. 1 abortion, and 1 adoption later, I learned my lesson. 

I've had abusive, drug addicted dealer boyfriends. I've had unemotional, unresponsive, irresponsible pothead boyfriends. I've gotten alcohol poisoning and ended up with my stomach pumped. I'm only 21. I've lived my life completely irresponsibly, well, for almos 7 years now. What do I have to show for it?  A broken heart, kidney damage, a sick mind, depression, suicide attempts, dead friends, broken friendships, physical and mental scars. 

"Want to pass me that mirror and straw?"


Some people never learn their lesson.