_______________
in the nowhere
the place that exists
only to feel
as if it were nonexistent
we parked off
the road
& for no reason sat in the grass
& smoked cigarettes
sending signals
to gods long dead
?we are here for a reason?
pushing her hair back
behind her ear
?i am alive because this moment
knew i needed to breathe?
picking a ball
of make-up
from her inner eye

?my blood is like ice right now,
but in a good way?
holding her cigarette
inches beneath her palm
for as long
as she can stand it

?we both have a drive,
a mechanism inside us
that makes us do what we do,
no, makes us want
to do what we do
but we actually do it?
as her hair slips back
in front of her face

?my father told me once, a brilliant axiom
that i have lived my life by
& this right here, is the perfect
time to tell you, but it won?t?
dragging, inhaling,
blowing the smoke back out

in the plume i saw
one million newly born civilizations
better than our own

?you see, anything can be your sanctuary,
as long as you
are peace yourself?
a family of deer
run past us
about twenty feet away
?it?s almost like we?re
not really alive,
living isn?t waiting for death,
maybe we are dead
& the meaning of our existence
is to find life?
forty-thousand light-years away
a meteor collides
with the moon of a planet
that we aren?t aware of
?part of me is nothing but sickness,
part of me is sanity,
yet i find i speak profoundly
& only of the abstract?
as a sperm inseminates
an egg
& a new young death
is conceived

?but just because i want to love,
be in love, isn?t necessarily a sign
that that is what my life needs?
her eyes watch my
fingers dig
at the opposite hand?s
nails

?a feeling of sedation, a night sans stress,
why does that elude me??
my eyes watch beads of sweat
rain down her cheek,
under her jaw & land on her left
breast pocket
?held once, with intensity & meaning?
& my head looks
across the landscape
to the city lights
in the distance
a second of dread consumes
knowing that soon
i?ll have to
return there

?and in an instant
we could lose everything
about ourselves that supposedly
makes us unique?
and her eyes meet mine
for the first time in hours
& they tell me
that she will be
the warmth
to my cold
at least
for tonight

?...the pain subsides...?
dangling her sandal
from her toes
& swinging it forth
& back

?thousands are killed
by nature, and we cry,
send food
& then change the channel
& return to
the grind of suburbia?
& my mind drifts off
& i dream
of my childhood
in black & white

?they continue to circle,
breathe without taking in air
& philosophize
in lowercase?
she flicks a firefly
from her shoulder
but its glow lingers
on her
& for ten minutes
her shoulder
is all
the light we have

?a crushing weight, time, the numbers
& the movement,
never add
just detract,
i am more
than what it lets me be?
her left thumb
spins a plastic ring
on her left hand
middle finger
a ring i bought for her
three hours ago
from a twenty-five cent
toy machine
?and in that second
he set me free,
yet i discovered
that within minutes
i felt trapped
without him?
& i knew how she felt
but i didn?t
know how
to save her