Faddingggg

The days get longer and longer in this empty world of nothingness I live in. I miss being ten and having everything so perfect. I had two sisters, a mom, a dad, and went to an amazing school. I actually had alot of friends back then, people still to this day tell me Im easy to get along with, but its all a lie. They don't know me, not the real me and honestlly, I'm not even sure if I know the real me. I'm not sure I ever will, I'm still having doubts about being my mom. The baby is at the stage of not letting me leave the room, just to get a drink, and with his dad still gone things are just fadding. I told him the military breaks familys, ours isn't broken yet, just fadding fadding fadding, and its killing me."In every war there is an enemy." Why did it take me so long to really figure it out? Why do I still not get it? Why can't I just for once have things be the way I want? I want my mom and dad, I want them to really care and love me the way parents are suppose to. I want to get married and be happy, why is that so hard for him to understand? I want to not cry everynight, and I want my kid to grow up and have the best parents ever. But how can that happen when he already sees me cry all the time, when I'm always yelling about stupid shit that shouldn't be a problem? I know he wont remember but the first 5 years of a babies life is what matters most when it comes to brain develpoment. Mabey I really am a shitty mom and shouldn't of been one in the first place. I'm slowly losing what I thought i had under control.