4:30am thoughts on 4th of july.

it's officially 5 days until the day i dread the most
and like all other fourth of july's, i'm going to try so hard
to paste on a plastic smile over my cold lips
and stammer though the day like it's nothing to me.

i've decided that this year, i am going to cry.
i'm going to let it all out
i'm going to remember my grandpa for who he was to me
and i am going to go back to the river
where we spread his ashes and let pedals from flowers float,
delicately, atop the soft current which is so deadly underneath.

this year, i am going to take one shot of patron for each year
that i have been in misery, that i have missed him
and wanted to call him to come and rescue my shattered heart,
to put it back together with super glue and scotch tape
and to place it back softly into my chest and stitch me up tight.

it's been so long since i've been able to cry it out
and not try so hard to forget the things that ail me each day
and i'm not going to do that anymore.
i'm going to live my life a survivor, so to speak,
and knowing that i overcame the heartbreak of a lifetime.

so...
all in all, fourth of july USED to be the day i hated the most
and now, it's just another day in the year for me.