Dancing in the Rain

I went dancing, the other day...
...Prancing, if you will,
But it just wasn't the same...

I went swimming, the other day,
In a pool composed of old memories,
That had long since been dormant,
In the darkened corner that is my castle.

I reversed, the time around me,
and thought all about the things that had past,
I looked towards the future,
but without you, it's been so plain...

I dug out your pictures, from the dusty old folders,
that rot away thousands of 1s and 0s on my computer,
(but I can't throw them away), it's too painful.


To look at your smile is to crash,
to veer off the road of happiness,
and to end my trip, wrapped around a tree of regret.

My life is blossoming,
I have bills, cars, a house, and friends
...and happiness...
But I don't want it.
I'd trade it all for a moment of your pain...

Of the pain I'd feel,
every time I looked into your eyes and knew that I wasn't good enough,
Try as I might, I could never hug you hard enough,
to know that the impression the wrinkles of my clothes left in your skin,
would be more than skin deep...

I knew you'd leave me.


But I loved it. I loved the challenge, I love the pain.
I loved knowing that each day, I could look into your eyes,
And feel the pain, and feel alive.

So as I stare, at the millions of pixels that try desperately to recreate your blessed aura, and I sob. I think of everything I could've done differently,




to make it last that much longer...

You thought that I was unhappy with you? I was only unhappy with myself. For not having the courage to be what you wanted. To give you your own pain, and pleasure, and whatever else you wanted. You were my everything. And now you're everything I've ever regretted. Every day I wake up trying to imaging what it would be like to open my eyes and see you.





Colors used to be much more vivid,
But in the rain, everything seems to fade to gray.
The pool was cold to start with,
But it quickly became warm,
As my skin got used to the droplets of regret that fall on me endlessly.

And as I wade deeper,
the water rises,
and I take comfort in old memories.


At least it happened,
rather than not,
right?




Wrong. I would rather have not existed, than to have been in your life, and not been good enough.


So as I walk home through the rain,
I sink deeper into sadness,
Hoping with despair,
that someday,





You'll come back to me.



(to be continued)