Lack of Shadows

Somewhere in the past decade I lost her and myself
I let the mindless assimilation begin
money, debt, grades, work ruled my world
my days became a battle to survive
but I paid no heed to how much of myself I saved.

Somehow my brain let itself get repainted grey
a dull ashen existence of what it once was

events used to move me
when did I become so languid...

there was one day...
this one day where I ventured upstairs
I looked at all those switches and turned each and everyone of them off
but not before removing every written piece of evidence of what I had once been
my eyes did their final sweep of the room and my chest exhaled deeply as I let my fingers hesistate on the light switch,
lights off, I turned and walked back down the stairs.

The night before I had prayed, as only an atheist can, desperatly...
whole heartedly,
painfully,
to be released,
to be allowed to be one of those ignorant fools on the flickering screen, always smiling,
riveted by mundane melodramatic, self-inflicted and non-important events.
And I got my wish

I guess i didn't expect my actions to have such horrid implications
i thought trully, ignorance is bliss.
But it can only be such when you know no better.
You cannot be a zombie if you have a consicence.
They may mistake you for one of them,
but with awareness of yourself
you can never match their sheer mindless ecstacy of running on nothing but instincts.

Limbo
this is where I am
stuck inbetween
never fully in existence.

I've made my way up the rickety stairs since my last reckless visit
but everything was dark and when I unsteadily felt the wall for the switch
it wasn't where I had thought it was,
so I stayed there,
in the absolute void for awhile
until my fear of the lack of shadows and the now unfamiliar got the best of me
and I all but ran back down the stairs.