Demons inside me

I'm a screw up, a fuck up, a failure, a woman.
Can't let go of my past.
I cry... I cry out of misery and the pain.
I cry out of the anguish and the scars I have obtained.

I am worn and fatigued.
I can no longer continue this doomed battle...
the battle that I have finally lost.
(My wings have become shattered...
and can no longer guide me home...)
(They can no longer fly me away from the sickness and demise)
You see the lone wounded girl stranded in my face...
the lies, the deceit, the horror of which I have faced.
You see me all broken up inside, trying hard to stand on my own feet.

I can't stand it... I caused this...
I caused all this with my own two hands.
Why?
Why can't I trust others?
The empty promises, the motions of forever, the false romance...
Even the good 'possibilites'
I no longer fall for them... I can't... I won't allow it.
I no longer wish to feel the blade you rake against my skin
I do not want to end before I even begin.
I do not wish to fall for plastic destruction because of my sins.
(I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY LIFE'S SICK REVENGE)

I can't wrap my mind around anything to think about
other than protecting myself.
I'm too withdrawn and cold. I'm too scarred and broken.
I can't continue forward because I'm always looking back at the past.
Hiding myself away from the feelings I wish I didn't have, I become ignorant.
I refuse to acknowledge my surroundings
and I disappear to the land where I am "me."

Dead to the world...
Lost to a disappointing mass,
Ignorant of pain,
And devoided of satisfaction.
I descend to the very depths of seclusion...
away from others, sanity and the rain.

This is the real me. The 'raw' me. The me that I always try to hide.
The me that thinks everything should go to hell.
The part of me that disguises tales of true life into burning books of damnation.
The part of me that tires of false judgement and persecution.
The part of that shatters 'pure bliss'

I can no longer clash with my inner demons but I refuse to let them out.
So if you see me running away from you,
it's because I'm saving you from myself.
I don't claim to be a saint, a giver or anything in between.
I am me and me only.
I am a sinner but I'm not completely damned.
I still feel, I still hate.
I am a guardian of purgatory.
I guide lost souls to help myself.
I don't judge, I don't reign.
I can't trust but I won't pretend.
I am a torn confliction between light and dark.
I won't give in but I won't get out.

This is the place for a sinner like me.
Damned to live for life, but afraid to live life normally.
This is where I will reside with my demons inside me.