Thankful?

You know... i am not sure anymore why i still try. i don't know what to even classify this as. Another pitiful attempt at... well at what ever i'm trying to do. but what the hell...



What am I thankful for?
Nothing?
Everything?
Something?
Anything?

I find myself lost along the maze of life.
On the crumbling edge of losing everything.
“No out-stretched hand for you,”
Snickers the faceless man.
I have brought all of this upon myself.
And he knows this.

I turn away from help out of pride,
But crawl back like a worm seconds later.
I can’t refuse anything I so desperately need.

I am a burden.
And I hate myself for being so…

So tell me what should I be thankful for?


Family?
I am a burden and an embarrassment to them.
I am sorry they have to endure my existence.

For even if they part ways with me,
The ties of blood remain,
And the memory never fades.
I am but one more sad stain on the tablecloth of their dinner table of life…

I am thankful for their love and support.
Although it is sadly wasted upon the thought of me


Friends?
I am isolated from my friends.
I have neither the time nor the resources to grace myself with their presence.
And I cry for this.
I imagine they only think of me in passing thought…
And I don’t blame them for such.

I am but a passing wind rolling over their wheat fields of life…

I am thankful for their friendship…
Yet sorry I am not a better friend.


Health?
Daily I feel my health slipping further from my grasp.
If not physically, then mentally.
Both slipping further each day…
A fragment at a time.

Do I even care anymore?
No…
I dare say I welcome the end of this path.
An eternal slumber of peace and rest.

I am but a fading ember of what I once was…

I am thankful for being alive on occasions,
But sorry for the discomfort said life creates for others…


Love?
At this point in time there is no one for me to love.
I am alone and tired.
Love has brought me pain time and time again.
Why be thankful for the bringer of anguish?

I am thankful for the good memories it has blessed me with.
But with my health those memories are fading
And I am forgetting what I was thankful for…

And what else can be said?
I don’t know.
But I do say this…
Do not feel sorry for me.
It is my own fault,
And I have brought it all down upon me.
I don’t know how or why.
But it is me.

So if you want me to be “thankful”
Then give me no more thought and let me fade.
Don’t dwell upon your pity for me any longer and go your own way.
Leave me to my self-ruin
And don’t ever look back.
For all you will see is a dark stain with a trail of blood…

I am not worth the memory.