Just A Pill Away From Sanity

By physicalgraffiti

I don’t look people in the eyes as much. I learned at Heartland Behavioral Unit that eye contact is a challenge, a sexual offer, or a sign of vulnerability. Eye contact is but another hurtle for me…for anyone who understands it the way I do. And I’m sick of hurtles. I am but and old track runner, running and jumping, running and jumping, waiting for my turn to cross the finish line.
When on medication, your thoughts are delayed. Your mind is like an old computer with slow software, and as you drag the mouse across the screen, it takes a few seconds for the monitor to compute the request. I drag my eyes across the living room, but I feel as though my reflexes are postponed, I feel unprepared, and vulnerable. I feel as though someone is sneaking up behind me, knowing that I couldn’t catch them with my sight if I tried. People right next to me speak in loud tones, but inside my head they sound far away. Like a voice on the intercom that you would hear coming from another room, or voices coming from behind a closed door. They call my anti-depressant Celexa, and for some reason the word “silicon” comes to my mind when I hear it. So I dissect the word silicon in my head and on my paper. Silicon reminds me of plastic surgery, which leads to falsely perfect bronzed bodies resting in the sandy beaches of California, which then takes an ugly turn into insecurity and beautiful fabrications. Overall, Silicon reminds me of one word; Fake. I’m not living my life anymore. Celexa is.
The doctor promised recovery...but my head still aches...my heart still pains...and my wrist still itches. No one really understood there. I was on suicide alert...as if thats really what i was doing. It took me almost a year of slicing into my skin to realize why i was doing it. It was a high...a rush. Depth didn't matter to me. My scars heal like cat scratches. It was the sight of blood that released me. Now, off of my medication, i search for a high that leaves no scars. I always knew the doctors were right...i was always just a pill away from sanity...too bad i never remember the state in which i'm "sane" in. But chasing with Vodka will do that. Now i can't decide which highs are best. The countless drugs and drinks i use now...maybe the doctors would prefer for me to cut if i told the truth about my "alternative medication". I just wanted a little slice of sanity...too bad it came out of my flesh.

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© 2006 physicalgraffiti
Published on Thursday, July 13, 2006.     Filed under: "Poetry"
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Comments on "Just A Pill Away From Sanity"

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  • Reefer_rave On Tuesday, August 14, 2007, Reefer_rave (146)By person wrote:

    I never can decide if the oddness of medication is better than the insanity of none

  • mywristshurt On Friday, September 1, 2006, mywristshurt (408)By person wrote:

    you want to talk to someone.. im a dp mail away... -R0se-

  • mywristshurt On Friday, September 1, 2006, mywristshurt (408)By person wrote:

    everytime i read this it takes me back in the past... i know so well of how this feels and once i get started reading this its like im stuck in time again.. its all so very well put, and i know that its very personal.. b-t-w, you can always come to me if

  • eternal despair On Tuesday, July 18, 2006, eternal despair (66)By person wrote:

    wow.. i came to return a comment and the title caught my eye. its like you were in my head for a few years while i did the exact same thing. i was even on celexa..for a few days. i tried everything. and your right cutting helped. the sight of the blood ca

  • eternal despair On Tuesday, July 18, 2006, eternal despair (66)By person wrote:

    calmed me right down. but because of friends i lost that, and i turned to more pills. different ones, more booze. one day i realized the pills were making the depression worse. i sat there everyday before i took them saying hapiness in a pill.. it isnt ri

  • eternal despair On Tuesday, July 18, 2006, eternal despair (66)By person wrote:

    it isnt right. so i stopped ive never seen everything so clearly. im still depressed.. but i have a clear mind now to let it all out.

  • eternal despair On Tuesday, July 18, 2006, eternal despair (66)By person wrote:

    well done. i hope you find your reality. dp mail me anytime. im here to help if u need it.

  • A former member wrote: This is something personal, something ive gone through myself, sometimes you need to find your own happiness, anti deppresions are fake happiness but none the less, anyways, this was really good and quite thuru loved it ~~GAP~~

  • A former member wrote: I think we can all relate somewhat on some level, that's why we're here at this site posting our hearts out... and I know what it's like to try to look in somebody's eyes...

  • A former member wrote: I've been through dozen of antideppresants, psyciatrists and therapists, but I haven't met one who really understands yet.. Feel free to dpmail me (my alternative medication is helping others) and remember that we're here for you if you ever need it

  • A former member wrote: I feel inadequate to comment in this type of emotions.riveting.dark.beauty. "Maul ol ha dughan pagbasa"

  • mywristshurt On Thursday, July 13, 2006, mywristshurt (408)By person wrote:

    the hardships.. all of us on this site (and i think most agree with me) are trying to get over one thing or another

  • mywristshurt On Thursday, July 13, 2006, mywristshurt (408)By person wrote:

    im putting this on my favorties because i can relate so well.. and im not going to tell you to keep cutting.. but honestly, isnt it better than getting in trouble for smoking crack or underaged drinking? so, very well put.. and i hope you can get through

  • Fading_Smile On Thursday, July 13, 2006, Fading_Smile (29)By person wrote:

    OMG this touched me so much. i feel so much like this, im not on medication, i wont go to any kind of professional. damn.... this hurt to read, i relate oh so well. perfection

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