She goes through this life and sometimes she forgets her place. And when she remembers and realizes what she's done, the humiliation is so real and true she can scarce breathe. And it happened again. The realization came tonight. She is not the loveable type. She is the fuck and forget about type. She isn't charming enough or beautiful or witty enough to truly hold someone's attention. But she forgot for just a moment and tried once again to be a real human being. She forgot she was dead on the inside and how could that not show through? She know that she has tried so hard before to be what people wanted her to be. She still does it and knows in her heart how desparate she must appear. But she keeps thinking that maybe she's changed or that all this talk of true love-in any form- is real. But then that realization comes again. Immediately, she regrets letting herself out of her cage. She wishes she could lock herself up and turn the key over to someone else. But she knows when she does that, she will be lost to the depths of madness and she won't want to come back. That is her secret wish. That the blackness could just become her home. That she could enclose herself in her mind and never come out. She believes that when she dies it will be at her own hands. She dreams secret dreams of that day too. She's not ready to give up on life just yet, but when she is, she takes comfort in how it will end. But as for tonight, well she's just starting to remember all those moments in her past of longing and needing and wishing- followed by the moments of total horror and degradation. She can't blame the other people for her not being what they want her to be. She tried. She is an excellent chameleon. What do you need her to be? She can do it. But it is never quite enough and tonight, just now, she knows it will truly never be enough. The lonliness of that epiphany is totally overwhelming, but what can she do? If she doens't accept reality, she'll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And everytime she makes this error of the heart it pushes her one day closer to the moment of the end. The must be something to live for-she's sure of it. Other people have so much to live for and she is positive she is not unique, so there must be something she's missing. Some important piece of the puzzle that fell on the floor of her heart and got swept away. Or maybe she isn't missing a piece, maybe it's just that she isn't meant to know what life is really all about. She walks around pretending, being an intruder and wonders why people walk away from her. She has a brain and never uses it to really see herself as others might perceive her. That's not really true, physically she knows, but she forgets how she must seem mentally and emotionally. And the comes that realization again. When is she just going to remember? When is she ever going to just get it? Her fear of truly understanding is what keeps her alive. So maybe the short term memory loss is a good thing. For now.