madness

Death.
I feel it in the air,
the coldness is setting in.
The chill brings up death.
Green is fading into temporary colors
then to permanent death.
It's unfair they all live again.
The dying brings on magic though.
Magic I feel deep inside that wants to explode
and show itself off to everyone
but instead stays bottled up,
too scared of stupid little things.
Seems the disorder and weirdness
I crave is slowing going back to sane order.
I see you trying to change me
and I see myself giving in.
Trying to make myself into something I'm not
yet secretly wish I could be.
What am I though?
I'm pulled between two extremes,
resting quietly somewhere in the middle.
Guilt settles in and its sometimes unbearable.
Why do I feel so guilty for some things that I do?
Maybe I have a conscious after all....
I say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm growing more and more tired of normal,
but most things are normal
so its all kind of unbearable.
I want one thing but
I fear that when I get it I wont want it.
Isnt anyone ever satisfied?
This world holds so much more that I can't even grasp. Evil lurks everywhere and
it makes you not trust your neighbor
therefor sticking a knife in his back
and declaring that you will not be brought down.
In turn your neighbor gives you bad looks
and returns to his house, shutting you out forever.
It seems far-fetched but is it?
and then theres God....
"You don't believe in angels though do you?"
I don't have a clue what I believe anymore.
How do you trust in that book?
Talking about people living in whales
and turning into pillars of salt?
I just don't know if thats right.
I know there is something bigger than me
but I fear I won't figure it out until it's too late.
So what do I do in the meantime?
I guess i'm just stuck.
Sitting here feeling death
and rambling on about God and leaves