I Felt The Urge

This morning, I felt the urge
The sudden lust was a surge.
To slide that chrome blade
To just lay there and fade.
I woke up, wishing I had not
Maybe I'll be randomly shot.
This day is just unbearable
My life has been a parable.
I've always been the black sheep
I hardly ever get a wink of sleep.
I lie in bed, with her by my side
But, I feel like I have just died.
She deserves better than me
She will eventually awake and see.
I look happy, but my sanity is fading
No one sees, but my will is degrading.
There is no reason, my mind is ill
I've seen things that haunt me still.
As hard as I try, insanity is taking over
Die fighting, blood spilt on the clovers.
If I can't keep myself happy for long
How could I keep her emotionally strong?
What if I did fade, what if I finally died
Entrance into Hell and Heaven would be denied.
I'd be alone in Limbo, even after death alone
No longer bound to life like a grey stone.
Yet, no longer physical nor fully existing
Standing here like a force, resisting.
Sink into an ocean of  deepening emotion 
Not causing problems, not a single commotion.
Jusy lie here, observing and watching
Not motionless yet endless falling.