What was in that brownie? I’ve never felt like this before
Normally after one of Malcolm’s parties I feel giggly and inquisitive
Giggly, inquisitive, with a craving for crabsticks
Tonight though, I can’t see any humour anywhere, only apathy and bizarreness
and the idea of crabsticks makes me want to vomit

Though the way things are going, I might vomit a clown
He’ll slap me 20 times and run away, headbutting a fox as he goes

The things I’ve seen tonight, a pack of Reapists gang-raping Jesus
A Cheshire Cat smiling with human limbs poking out his mouth
A 100ft naked giant measuring his dick
There are cracks in the walls and I’m sure the Ghost Embryos are watching me

I just want to get home, that’s why I’m walking along this floor-ladder
Stepping along the wooden rungs while avoiding the metal sides
I don’t know why, I have this suspicion I’ll get an electric shock if I step on one
Like that game, ‘Operation’, maybe my nose will glow bright red

I’ll just keep walking and ignoring everything going on
Keep walking until I get home and try to figure out why my parents are here

Mum, Dad, what ARE you doing here and why is Uncle Bob here?
Why are you all clapping? What did I do? My Sister’s here too?
She’s clapping as well, you guys have never rounded applause at me before

All my Grandparents have come, I thought 3 of you were dead
Wow, more people are appearing from behind others
Here’s Malcolm holding a tray of brownies
But he can’t clap whilst holding them with both hands
Oh, he’s grown a new pair of arms on the sides of his head - Clever

This is amazing, is that my old PE teacher? All my teachers have come
All the kids I knew at school, they haven’t aged a day
Wish I’d thought of that
This is too much, thank you all for coming
Now what’s this?

A cake! I hope Malcolm didn’t bake it
Is it my birthday again? Could have sworn that was 6 months ago
I suppose another one won’t hurt, but why are there only 2 candles?
Those candles are huge, it’ll take me ages to blow them out
It’s the biggest cake I’ve ever seen and so long too

And it’s certainly the loudest cake I’ve ever seen
I’ve never heard patisserie scream like tha…