Sometimes I close my eyes. It helps me to see things better. I imagine of all the conversations that we could have had, all the sentiments we could have felt, all the views we could have experienced and all the steps we could have taken together. I know that a day will come when all those memories will be lost in time like tears in the rain. But for once in my life, no matter how insignificant or fictional it may have been, we were together. Together to feel all the things we never had before. Together to see things we never would have imagined existed.

I can recall only a few people that I thought were made in the same mold as me. Later I observed and analyzed each one of them; I realized that I was wrong. One after the other, the pedestal that I set them on started to crack and crumble taking the effigies of the people they held to the ground with them. You see, you were the only one that actually lived up to my expectations. You were everything I that I hoped you would be (and nothing more). They say that you spend most of your life searching for the perfect person for you and when you finally find them, you spend the rest of your life trying to change them. In my quest to get to you, I’ve broken my laws but I won’t do the same to my promises.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t secretly wish that you felt the same way as I did. And over these morbid years, your shadow laughed behind your back too. Just because you don’t see the bars around me doesn’t mean that I’m not in prison. I’ve spent one hundred and twenty-two years going through all these reasons. I’m rhyming now. I guess this is not an essay anymore. But it never really was an essay to start with was it?

When I think of you, you remind me of the first Red Hot Chili Peppers song that I listened to. I was in the 5th grade and I stole Rs. 200 from my muthaa and bought the "By the way" album. Though the title song was “By the way”, I bought it for a track called “Can’t stop”. Listening to that song was the first time that I knew that there were others like me. I vividly remember how delight I felt. Something about Anthony Keid’s funkadelic vocals and Flea’s base driven music temporarily fit the pieces that were missing in my life perfectly. This feeling of bliss only lasted for as long as the song itself; but for those precious moments, I was whole. I was complete, I was absolute.

You can call me a coward for not having you by now. I never even confessed that I felt this way about you now did I? You see right now my perception of you is perfect. I can come up with countless other excuses; but the truth of the matter is that I have rarely fully finished the novels that I’ve liked. Actually, I can’t even remember the last time I finished anything completely. Everything surrounding me is always half done. Everything is incomplete. Over the years I’ve learned to live with it. Doing so makes me feel like I’m part of the story. A never ending story in which I am free to choose my own path, my own conclusions. A different conclusion for every day, a different conclusion for every other waking hour.

People who say that they want to die actually just want to be saved. They will never accept it. They will never acknowledge that they are fucked up inside and they will definitely never illustrate in any form what they are actually feeling. It is not that they can’t do it. It’s just that they keep such damned things hidden and suppressed for such a long period that after a certain time they cannot find them anywhere; no matter how long or how hard they try. I speak from experience. It is crucial for you to know this about me.

Through words is the only way I can try to express myself to you. Through words is how I plan to get rid of you. You are probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. But I am glad that you happened. You brought me one step closer to hitting bottom. As Tyler said “It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything”. One thought at a time.