Pain, Please, With a Side of Bruising.

Unappreciated.
Unused.
Mistake or not, I have no choice but to stand by my decision.
For I am without a way out.
I have but one form of outlet.
I have one way to make my mind somewhat calm.
But it just isn't serving to soothe me.
And now I am cut off from that.
So, here I sit.
Feeling so separated from everything.
My body vibrates, feeling you so very close.
I feel your physical pain.
I feel your mental anguish.
And I can do so very little to help it.
My job is to take care of you, and I feel so insignificant when I cannot do it.
My every second is consumed trying to make things better.
Trying to find a way to be properly used.
Trying to find a way to be abused accurately.
And NOTHING is working.
Every now and then, your smile shines on me and I feel needed for just a moment.
And for that moment, my mind is calm.
When your words wrap around me, I feel home.
My heart soars, my body relaxes, and I know that I am not as alone as I feel.
But with no pain to release the terrible knots in my brain, everything is getting lost to me.
I can't find myself in the fog that is rolling in.
My blades call me, the fight is on.
For if the pain is not forthcoming, then I must cause it myself.
I must know I am still alive, and not forgotten.
I feel so lost.
I am a slave, craving your strong hand guiding me.
Begging with every part of me to be used as your imagination sees fit.
No matter what it puts my body through, my mind will finally find that calm again.
But, I will not find it by inflicting it myself.
So, I will behave.
I will kneel.
I will wait.
And as I wait, I shall fantasize about all the wonderful bruises that will be inflicted.
All the quietness I will know that night.
And the wonderful darkness my sleep will bring as I curl up at your feet.
But until then,
I will wait, on my knees, begging silently.
And know that I must be good to receive a gift as precious as your hand.