its 00.30am which means its 31st of december. the last day of 09. it seems like the whole world is covered in white, bright shiny decorations everywhere, people are running prepairing for the new year. they look cold, angry but when i see them closely i see smile of happiness. until this moment i was one of them. decorating my new year tree, wearing my beautiful dress. but now everything is changed, it seems like the world turned upside down. bright shiny lights, pure white snow are blinding me. i'm cold, even when i lie in my bed. i  dont understand why do people are running smiling. but i do know the answer. its pretty simple. its just because of the holiday. holiday that brings happiness and joy in people's heart warm fire is set. thats why they are running smiling without noticing the cold. I know this feeling but i forgot it now. sometimes you forget the things that you learned. I guess so does the feeling.

    spring comes warming the world, the cold snow and ice melt with the blinding white color and then little green grass comes out of the ground. spring also warm my heart melting the cold ice and snow in my heart and giving me hope like the green grass. then the rain falls from the sky helping the little grass to grow big. its the most beautiful scene. sky is covered with black heavy clouds, and little drops fall from them one by one. when it rains i love to put my umbrella outside the window and go out without it. in the place i live it doesnt rain much, umberlla is used only when its raining. otherwise they are closed and put in the corner of a dark room. they are meant to see the sky and be wet... I dont need an umbrella when its raining. because i'm an umbrella. its my nickname given by my friend, actually its zontk. it was given because of my weird hair that looks like an umbrella. and plus i love rain too much and always waiting for the rain just like an umbrella. when im running down the stairs my heart beats fast, and with every stair i smell the scent of rain that puts a smile on my face. at last i'm outside under the black clouds. raindrops falling on me. they are wet and cold but i dont feel it. the fire is set in me. every raindrop that is pouring down me, washing away all the cold filth of the winter. the street is almost empty, only a few are walking with umbrella. some of them are running covering their heads with their hands or bags. i dont understand their action, like covering your head with your hands will keep you dry. you'll be wet anyways and whats wrong with that the rain wont do any harm. besides they do not cover their heads when its snowing... I'm walking, thinking about different things then i notice my road is ended. time has gone fast like it flew. I wish I could extend the road with no end and continue walking as long as i want.

    This is my only wish for now. the wish that cannot be fulfilled even by a santa. its only december i dont know when the first falls. but i do know i have to wait long. i wish until the spring to meet the rain in my dreams.sadly i cant control it, i wish, i wait, i beg it doesnt come. I want it so badly so i imagined, i saw pictures and videos, read, i even took a shower with my clothes. non of these helped. it only made me want more. I know I wont get it now, it feels like i'm never gonna get it. so i cry. I almost didnt got into hospital because of my weird action... santa comes and gives presents to children. sounds nice but too fake. he can never give me rain. when the snow falls it doesnt dissappear yet it falls again and again.

    Tonight. Ill meet the rain tonight. No i cant. I have to decorate my apartment and my tree, pack presents i have no time. I close my true self, wear a mask to cover my pain, close my tear filled eyes and draw fake ones, wear nice clothes to cover my scars, glue a fake smile on my mouth, hold the patience in my palms and walk into the so called happy world...