Still you. Part one

Letting go of you is hard...


I wish i had the appropriate words to express to you how i still love you. I carry your memory with me every where i go. For me there is no option of "getting over this" right now. How could i possibly mourn the aberration, the entity, my Matt. I still foolishly sit here and wonder what if i had still been there with you during those final days. I still think what could have been. I wish I could have healed all that confusion in your mind and made you sane again. I wish I was pushy like I wanted to be. I wish I never hurt you long ago. I wish you never gave up on us. Now i only hope and pray you know the truth. All of it. I always loved you and always will. I handled it poorly and now try and shake off the regret. I dream your looking down on and see a brand new me. I tell my self you know now. You know the truth and the depth of all I felt. I could still feel you like it was yesterday. I know every inch of your face, your voice your breath, your laugh, your looks, your sighs. Clear as day you are in my memory. I miss every bit of you. The good and the bad. the way we made love to our countless battles of wills. I look at your pictures every day, wear articles of your clothing and I don't think a day goes by you don't come up in conversation. Your still very much with me. Right or wrong. Healthy or not. This is my reality. I don't think any one can live up to the illusion. A useless competition. I will go on loving you just as much as if you were right there. My Matt. I love you.