The pain has conquered me. I have given myself over to it heart and soul. I see no reason not to do this. Some people say it's selfish, and I suppose they're right. I want the darkness to envelop me, wash over me like a warm shower. This is where I belong. This is what I know. This is who I am. People from my past may think it's their fault. This is not true. We all have choices. Yes, some of their choices hurt me deeply. But my choices are my own and these are my feelings, my pain, my nightmare. Of course I'm scared. Will I be able to bring myself back? Do I care? I am a shell right now. Hollow and alone on the inside. Was there ever a time when I didn't feel like this? I don't remember. I am a freak. I am an intruder. I have wasted my life on moments of no significance. There have been a very few precious times that I will always cherish. Unfortunately, I have stained those moments for others. I truly regret that. I talked to someone today who told me it was completely understandalbe for me to feel the way I do. Yes, let's justify actions for which there is no justification. I hate being compared to a martyr, yet I would gladly sacrifice myself to the gods of forgiveness. There is no forgiveness for me. Intellectually, I know how to change this, but once and for all I have let my emotions run rampant and I have succumbed to their wishes. This is what they say:
"You are worthless."
"You are usless."
"You are mean."
"You are crazy."
"You are ugly."
"You are fat."
"You are weak."
"You are disloyal."
The have screamed this mantra at me and I believe. The only thing I have ever believed is that voice in my head. I love you all. Good bye.