Mixing Pain With Pleasure

I did it because I was lonely.
Because I was scared.

I wanted to replace this pain,
with pleasure

But all I got was
A fucked up mixture of both.

With some extra pain.

I couldnt be brave
and just deal.

I had to touch myself,
I had to feel;

Something less real.

I didnt want to exsist,
somewhere I didnt matter.

I didnt want to just cry
And live to be shattered.

I wanted to fly,
with wings silky with powder.

I wanted to rip open the sky,
opening up to a new world.

A world where,
I mattered.

I wanted to see pain.
Not feel it.

But in the end,
I drowned in my own tears.

I felt the pain.
I felt me shatter.

I wish I knew of a place where,
I mattered.