im so tired
tired of failing in the eyes of whom i love the most
tired of losing an easy battle
tired of failing in life
tired of not knowing
not being believed
or believed in
i want so much
but yet i do so little for it
its only now that i realize what ive done wrong
only now do i see that ive hurt so many
yet ive done so little
i want to express what i feel
i want to with all of my heart
but i cant
i cant let her know
i cant tell her that im a failure in all that i touch
that i will fail her too
thats why i dont touch her
i dont want to lose what i hold dearest
i dont think that she knows what power she has
i believe that i will lose her because of this
but, again, i dont know of a way to repair the damage
i caused it
i should know how to fix it
but i am only a man
not even a man
a man would know when to stop
would know what he was doing
i am only a boy
enexperienced in techniques that ive practiced for years
years wasted
seventeen of them have flown by like gulls
and ive ruined them all
maybe the next one will be different
or maybe i should end it all before it comes to me
that would be easier wouldent it
end everything
then take the ultimate finish
no, i dont deserve the relief
it would tear everything ive strained to keep
everything
i say that like it means something
like there is a great amount
like i can handle it
i break everything
why not jsut salvage whats left
end the fault before it erupts
all it would take was a quick pull
some slight pressure
all i would have to do is wait
it only hurts for a bit
the color is amazing really
is that the color
ive always heard black
but is it really that
ill find out one day
but im not willing to let myself go
ill break eventually
not now
if i cut myself away from everyone else
like a cancerous cell
would it help
would she care
ahh, i see
it all comes back to her
i wonder if all men, no, all boys
i wonder if we all think this way
if we all rely on them
if we all rely on our own "She"
probably
im not special
im typical
rebellion never mattered
i just turned into the rest of them
some rebel
ahh, but it worked didnt it
yes, it did
i thought myself different
even happy
after the drugs, i was blissful
looks like im not numb anymore though
no, not at all
oh well
can only wish
maybe she'll be my new drug
make me happy when im supposed to be
maybe, if i dont touch
if i dont break it
dont break her
maybe
if not, theres always the End
yes
always the End