Looking forward over my shoulders
MY SUICIDE NOTE
Empty eyes crying out these years of change across a lonely soul-thump somewhere in the heart of my hands. Where my shadow stretches for miles across the blistered remains of me..... and the air still carries a scent like the flowers in your eyes.
I’d exist for another moment...if I could burn my memories through the atmosphere like lightening. Fury and rage like a tempest over a blue sky If I thought I’d remember how beautiful you can be when your eyes catch the light just right as it comes on slow & fades between the falling leaves of an October afternoon months ago and miles away from the fray.
I continue to spiral down as I try to find a reason why I must feel so lost and ultimately defeated... I wish I could find some hand-me-down wings so I could drown out the static that’s suffocating me. As I fall apart I find my self wishing I could just break open and bleed my emotions across a thousand pages....but, much like my mind, they will just be numberless rants that get caught in the breeze and scattered about.
I wish I could make sense of the pain and agony in my mind but instead I can only paint these portraits of nothing but lines that disappear and never come back in the end.....not like tomorrow would recognize me anyways.
Maybe its rolling in like a thick fog that carries this gravity that pulls me deeper into my own mind. The weather always seams to get a little colder as I feel myself spreading out like a blanket trying to cover the distance I’ve put between me and everything that could or would be happiness.
I have a reoccurring dream that we buy this old car and pack it full of everything we’ll never see again. Drive out some place where we can sleep beneath a kaleidoscope of constellations and watch as all the satellites spiral round, much like the days I want so badly to always remember.... but no matter how hard I try, with every moment that passes, they slip farther & deeper away.
Sometimes I want to brush my face against your shoulder just to remember what it feels like to go back home cause it has been years since I’ve felt stable enough to even smile.
The depth I lose myself in when I look at a world that wouldn’t skip a beat if it had one less broken person taking up space. I feel so worthless....
I’ll cut myself wide open & bleed if it would help you understand what is pulling me apart. Let the scarlet tides rise & crash in through the crumbling walls of my thoughts.
As I walked out the door....scattered thoughts.... maybe if I made you hate me the way I hate who I am you would know how dark it’s gotten. No one would notice that I’m not around even if words were scribbled on a page that I’ve bled upon a million times before.
The bright yellow glow of street lights burn my eyes... but that’s more than I’ve felt for so long. I can not escape this unrelenting buzzing of a broken record pounding out my childhood on an out of tune piano in my head. My world is spinning around as these cities keep tumbling down around me
I’m lost and barley breathing. At the end of the day we’ve all got something beautiful to remember when we’re gone.... and I wish I could kill off time instead, come back and ask
“Will I ever make you understand?”
As my last breath comes I want it to echo like thunder so I could feel that maybe once I made some kind of ripple in this motionless ocean that some people call life...because by the time you actually read this I’ll be to far gone