Something you will never read

You dont understand
What its like
For your head
To make your heart stop
And your lungs freeze
You dont understand
That when that happens
And i dont breathe
Sometimes i hurt myself

I want to kill myself
When tidal waves
Of emotions
I forgot how to feel
Drown me
In the whistle
Of the train
Down the street

You think I drink
To avoid life
No
I drink
To punch through

These walls that i built
They once protected me
At times they still do
But prison dust
Will squeeze the life from you

I can force myself
To take a breath
Sometimes
Sometimes
I see the storm coming
And i know
I cant breathe
Through this wave

I have cut myself
On more knives
Than i have
Ever
Owned
I have given myself
More concussions
Than a professional athlete
I have dodged more trains
Than you will ever want to know
Not so much
Because i felt like living
But because
Right then
As that person
That is not
How i wanted to die

So yes
I drink
I drink far more
Than i really should
And far less than you think
My liver regenerates
My brain
My body
My scars
Do not
And you cant help me
You do not have input i can use