I can’t compare this entrapment
To anything I’ve ever felt.
I wake up.
I’m surrounded by silence.
It’s beautiful,
But I’m reckless.
I can’t sit still.
So many things going on at once.
So many things I feel I
NEED to do
In this beautiful, sacred silence,
In the precious moments
Before the noise starts.

When it begins,
I’m instantly overwhelmed.
Sometimes it’s the TV,
Blaring away. Barking out things
In different high, vicious tones.
When it’s not some newscaster
Or sports game
Or CM-fucking-T,
It’s the playstation.
It’s either Guitar Hero,
Screaming the same tunes I’ve heard
Over and over
For the past two years
Or some anime game
Where the main character
Shouts things in a squeaky,
High-pitched girl voice,
Over and over,
As if the failure of
Some seemingly pointless task
Is going to end the goddamned world.
Or when it’s none of those things,
It’s the laptop,
Blaring out shitty metal music,
Music I could almost bear
If it wasn’t repeated over and over,
Over and over,
Making my ears ache
And my temples throb
And my nerves shatter.

I can’t escape it,
This unbearable noise.
This ever-present,
Malicious,
Spiteful,
Dreadful,
Goddamned noise.

And she wonders why I try to leave.
She has the nerve
To wonder why I constantly—
Constantly—
Complain about needing a room,
Needing a getaway,
Needing some WAY
To escape his neediness.
His need for noise,
His need for affection,
His need for love
That she can’t fucking provide.

And so she escapes.
As if it’s her turn to run.
None of them even see him
Except for me.
And she knows it.
So she does the running
That she knows I can’t
Because he’s my responsibility now,
My little brother,
My little man
To dedicate
My attention and affection to.
As if it’s my fault
That she never grasped the concept
Of how to be a mother in the first place.