Comments by Alanarchy
- "The little boy in the corner of the world thing, was a little strange to me, and felt a little too far out of context. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's another thing you can build up to, instead of just airing it out there plainly. It WAS interesting, but It's presentation was a little off. Like I said, I'd like to see you build upon "my parents wish..." and maybe tie some of these out there, but still very cool and creative ideas together nice and neat. But hey, these are my opinions. Feel free to completely disregard them. That'd be better. It seems you feel like this is unfinished, and I would love to see you do this in your own unique way. Killer start, though. I really did enjoy the read so far. "
Posted by Alanarchy on "School, School, School" by BethanyBallet
- ""i have been somewhere where talking surrounds me and breathing is just a game" Left alone, those two lines seem a bit melodramaticly dark, in an otherwise melancholly, and slightly humorous opening. But, they can be used effectively if you built them up more. Lead up to them, instead of just having them all there, and stark. Can be used as repetition too, to give them more effect if you did it right. I don't know if you know what I mean by that :D and I can't tell you how. I just hope i'm maybe giving you some ideas.
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Posted by Alanarchy on "School, School, School" by BethanyBallet
- "I really did like this. It did seem to tumble out of it's original context after the line; "and my life would not be as fine" The next two lines were okay, but after that, I felt like you started to loose me. I'd expand on the "I think of my parents and how they wish they could start all over again" dot dot dot. I really liked that train of thought, and I thought it was a shame you didn't shade it in more."
Posted by Alanarchy on "School, School, School" by BethanyBallet
- "That's quite an out-look you have there. Be careful you don't miss anything when you sleep things "into tomorrow". A fun read. Welcome to darkpoetry."
Posted by Alanarchy on "Poet of Dreams" by BethanyBallet
