Comments by jonLyndon
- "I also really like the line: "No telephones, no visitors, nothing but the sadness." And, again that final verse, leaving us w/ a kind of dark, cyberpunk SciFi speculation."This tortured soul must take refuge from its' pain So a plug was pulled which disconnected the brain..." Of course, it doesn't have to be skiffy or cyberpunk as these hospital-factory worlds exists in reality, but I sense something more fictional (could just be me?). All the same, I love it."
Posted by jonLyndon on "I Am Withdrawn" by Malcholm Dark
- ""Of this tortured, helpless creature hobbled by his chains." A very inspiring, speculative poem you have created here. I really like your rhyme-timing; it works very well. Oh the prisons we all find ourselves within only to become withdrawn. The only thing I, IMO, would change is to keep, or write "I am withdrawn" twice in what can be called the chorus (if this were a song) i.e. instead of adding "for I have gone" I'd repeat the title. I think it would be more effective, but still, it is your poem, that is my little critique, constructive I hope. It's a very powerful, poignant work. You have let us inside a deep, personal place. Behold, our enduring fates! I really like the change of pace & style in the final verse: it works perfectly, ends as it should; simply & to the point. Very well written! Cheers."
Posted by jonLyndon on "I Am Withdrawn" by Malcholm Dark
- ""Feel the flaming rape of logic" Brutally horrific, painfully beautiful. "Hear black water slip from the roof". I will have to re-visit this poem. Very well conceived, our extensions of self. And beyond. Cheers."
Posted by jonLyndon on "The Melding" by Malcholm Dark
- "Love the subject context. Jack Ruby, deserving of this ballad; I can hear Bob Dylan singing this one. Or Johnny Cash; maybe Sisters of Mercy. Anyway, "sanity forgotten" love the repetitiveness of these words, like a mantra, like a song. So close to being flawless w/ your meter. So close. "book depository" I'd simply drop 'book', as you say, "we have all heard the story". The meter works better, I think. Final line in the penultimate stanza; I'd change 'murdered' & repeat the word 'killed'; the meter becomes tighter & the strength of the meaning becomes more powerful. Killed is stronger than Murder, in sound, even though they are both the same. Killed! Killed! Like the multiple bullet shots (3 different directions, I believe is the conspiracy theory?) but you don't need to use a 3rd. In that line the repetitive nature of that one word repeated brings out in the sub- the ring of the shots! I wish I could think of a perfect word to rhyme w/ Texas 'cause even though JFK was shot in Dallas, TX the world thinks on it as the state first, then country, then world. But 'malice' does not rhyme w/ Texas. 'I killed what affects us', a bit off. In the same line I'd like to see "murdered" changed to "shot" for emphasis but then yer 1 beat off; & like the above I'd this time change 'killed' to repeat 'shot!" Shot! Shot! like Bang! Bang! "John K. was shot..."? Your poem, I hope you don't mind my insight. It's a very clever piece, not as tight as I think you'd like, but that does not ruin the poem. Also, I'd change Mafia to Mob just to make those 2 lines a bit tighter. It's 11/13 as it stands. Mob makes it 11/11; either way these lines are a mouthful - say them out loud. Still, "sanity forgotten...". Well done!"
Posted by jonLyndon on "The Ballad Of Jack Ruby" by Malcholm Dark
- "Heh! Glad Deaths Apostle caught the small typo before I read this; those things just happen. Every good writer needs a good editor. EGWNAGE - we ALL make typos, but it's cool he pointed that out for you. "
Posted by jonLyndon on "A Requiem For An Outlaw " by Malcholm Dark
- "Very good, almost perfect meter & rhyme; the poem flows as a river & the story unfolds well. Many splendid lines, so I'll mention a couple/few I think need slight change: "a rope around my neck" I'd simply change 'around' to 'round; I feel it would not just work just slightly better, but also captures the Outlaw feel. I'm a bit confused w/ the "snort" from the bottle; feels yer stretching a bit w/ that line for meter. Is the outlaw's hands tied w/ a bottle of wine between his knees which he breathes in? I understand he is a prisoner on his way to the gallows, but even a Preacher would help him to have a final drink. Small critique, it does not alter the overall affect. The final line in the penultimate stanza: he'd have to fall first before his neck would snap: maybe "with the drop the snap! I fall"? Not the best suggestion, I know this poem needs to keep a flawless meter & make sense. Been a long time since I've writ a poem in this style. It's very difficult to do & no one does it better than Poe. Not even the Bard. I like how the final stanza changes meter from the rest of the format and 'God' has the same feel/flow as 'fall', which is odd in metaphor. All that written, this is a very well composed poem; I am tempted to give it a 10, but will snap a 9 (I rarely ever give a 10 as it is). Just a few bits, but still, you are working with a very difficult format. 9.5 if I could. Cheers!"
Posted by jonLyndon on "A Requiem For An Outlaw " by Malcholm Dark
