What defines me

(not yet finished...partial writers block, yet aching to write)

every year that goes by I'm filled with more hate
tormented as usual
self inflicted misery, or so they say
never broken hearted
the ice princess takes a bow
who's up there pulling the strings
or laughing beneath the earth
questioning always if it matters and who fucking cares
feeling, wanting, everything too much or not at all
for instinct is always to lie
some habits are so hard to break

This is not what defines me

I cant count the number of times Ive been arrested
I apologize for things I shouldn't
I am the master of manipulation
fear of the past catching up to me keeps me backed into a corner I cant get out of alone
conscious decisions to destroy myself and others

these are not the things that define me

tried but cant by happiness
not in the mall,not in the projects
I cant help but snap sometimes
overly defensive, under appreciated
feeling like everyone is judging me constantly
projecting negativity , shielded from affection
I will push you away before you get close enough to see
the secrets i take to the grave walk beside me
no one can break me like I

that's not all there is too me

sold my soul a hundred times
gave up the love of a lifetime for a 30 second rush
my cries for help sound more like fuck yous
what good is a pretty face when the inside is so gross
my most cherished memories are easily forgotten
at times I am ashamed at what Ive become and even more ashamed of when I'm not

most days i forget that this is not what defines me

what makes me, me?
my complete open mindedness
the ability to laugh at my self
many homicidal fantasies
but I hate to hurt feelings
i make the most of a fucked up situation
shameless perseverance
extreme loyalty
and I would die for those I love
never forget where I came from
and those who helped me along the way
I am a fighter, a survivor
the misery chick that so badly longs to smile
hopeless romantic
I am not just an addict, a drama queen, with an evil steak
I'm not just a heartless girl who never cries
There are reasons Im still alive, even if I dont see them yet
I will never give up the hope that someone hears my cries
I still dream that one day I will open my eyes and see something Ive never seen before...