Koan

Having spent the first 45 years
clinging and craving and defending
and obsessing,

believing -
in the end -
blissful
all consuming
alcoholic oblivion
was the only way out,

(And before that,
the wife
the career
the children,

all of which came,
when school didn't work
nor therapy
nor pot,
nor acid.)

you surmise

a need,

learned
from the beginning

when the big people wouldn't
keep you safe

and life on their terms
meants complete
insane
sin-eating
sacrifice.

So now,
in the dark apartment,
just you and the monkey-brain,
stumbling along
all chatty and everything,
like two best buds,

only this time,
it's different,

and hearing chattering laughter
from back on the branch
you smile
nodding

and
drift off
to the next port
of this deep sea cruise.