This worthless being

I find myself
trapped in between
all that's said and done
with the sayings fake
and the movements so rare

I cannot think
of any reasons
as to why I hesitate so
Yet I still hesitate
and even though I hold the very key
to my liberation
I sense that I am lost
and cannot be found

I see this "thing"
heading my way
this monster
that haunts me
this monster
that eats me
this monster
that is me
this "thing"
that wanders in my dreams
picking at what's good
cursing it
spitting on it
and then turning it to evil

It leaves a stain
a stain that I can smell
before opening eyes
to the very first ray of light
that sneaks in through my curtains
A stain that's color is neither
black or blue, white or brown,
purple or pink, orange or yellow,
red or green, silver or gold.
It has no color, it has no form,
it only has a power over me
a power that I can only sense
but cannot see
I am a vulnerable baby
seen by a hungry disease

This "thing"
that lives in this personality
craves to hurt me
to find me
bloodied
to see me
crying
to watch me
die
I am an ogre during the night
and the goddess Athena
holds for me no sweet sympathy
none left over
from all that was given to the great Odysseus

And in return
I sacrifice to her
nothing
for this exhaustion poisons
my every duty
And even with music
With laughter
With education
With money
With smiles
With food
With clean water
With friends
With family
I am miserable

But how dare
do I be miserable?
How dare
do I try and kill?
How dare
do I turn up the volume of my hideous shrieks and actions?
How dare do I cut?
How dare do I cry?
How dare do I act so un-satisfied?
I am not a Goddess of the blue sky's
Nor am I a queen of a well-off town
I am not a lord, a duke,
or a captain of a dazzling ship
I am not a talented child,
no gifts lay here inside
So how dare do I shed all these tears?
These tears that talk of injustice
of no faith
of confusion
of jealousy
and/or misery
How dare I?
How dare I?
This all just proves
how I am
fortunes fool
A stupid girl
with an ignorant mind
and an even more ignorant self
that should just be left behind
with the dust and the old ways
of our ignorant human kind