What the fuck am I doing
Every move I make feels like a mistake
Feels like a storm has been brewing...and
I'm not sure how much more I can take
Pressure...under pressure...constant pressure...
Consumes me
Is there no end in sight
Lost within darkness I can't see
Except when I light up this pipe
Left here alone I start to question
If this is really my reality...or
Am I drowning in my own regression
Refusing to be judged by anothers morality
Must people...friends..family...society
Constantly assume to know what Ive been through
I hope they never have a clue...as to...
What its like to lose confidence in my own judgement
To have my whole life permanatly effected
By the events of just one of just one night
To know that my lifestyle choices caused all this...and
I neglected to prevent it...and
To just not have the will to fight anymore
Why did I refuse to die
What did I really have to live for
I have started to impose on myself
As I sit up here waisting away
I put my life on a shelf and
I think the "use by" Date is today
Does that mean Ive expired...gone bad...spoiled
Even the depths of my soul feels tired
My reputations been permanatly soiled
Still I attempt to walk tall
As I pretend not to care
For the people who wait for my fall
It just doesnt seem very fair
Maybe I did ask for this shit
But the reaction I got for my action
Feels like alot for just throwing a fit
My harmless little infractions
The only person I've ever truly hurt was me myself and I
No one else ever stayed around long enough
So this hole of lonliness has been filled by staying high
No one ever left me once I taught them how to puff
Maybe thats my sin...the wrong I just can't right
Have I been willfully blind
Hiding inside the cover of night
Pretending to have lost my sense of wrong and right
So to not be held accountable
For the wrongs that I commit
My issues have become insurmountable
And its hard to have to admit that I created them all
Im the one who built this wall
I gave away my pride...my sight
The price I pay for freedom changes everyday...still
I hang in there... hard like a soldier
waiting for my kingdom where I dont have to care
Or keep looking over my shoulder
Where my friends are never insincer
And their attitudes are bolder
I like that trait in others
Friends who wont play my game
But will gently pull my covers and
Force me to take the blame
For the road that I have traveled
Like everyone else I have a choice...and
Now I chose to battle and use my voice as a barricade
To protect my fradgil soul
They say in time my fear will fade
But its already taken its toll
My emotional well being has become a victim of denial
Keeping things inside for awhile can ruin everything
So I have to put it out there stand up and testify
In your face I will stare exposing every lie you've told
You were bold but in the end Wasn't it your soul you sold
For what a life time in a cage
Choaking on the rage that builds inside you
Slowly growing old until the dreaded day
When its your blood that runs cold
Are you ready to pay the ultimate price
look God in the eye and role the dice
There is no possible way you could be granted
Absolution for your sins...so tell me in the end
Who do you think really wins
Those of us who lived to tell...or
You who spends eternity in hell