Suicidal Study (or why i dropped the knife)

By anathema

i have
a will to live

it may seem odd

i mean, c'mon now
if there was ever
a headcase
a poster child
for suicide
it should be me

right?

i went through those days
of slicing wrists
and refusing food
like all the other girls i know

apparently
hating yourself
is in our chromosomes…
as a girl
i was born
with a self loathing
that is as natural
and common
to a girl
as breasts are…

i got lost
somewhere along the tightrope
of prude and slut
depression seized me
nightmares
of rape
and broken hearts
were everyday occurances…
i spent
the
"best years of my life"
in hospitals
learning how to deal with reality…

you believed
that i would
probably
never amount to much
tried to keep it secret
but you didn't expect
me
to move past 16…
i could see it in your eyes
doomed to be
another teenage suicide
just a statistic
to be marked off and forgotten

meanwhile
i
took my pills
religiously
hated myself
almost as devotedly
i was too miserable to cut myself
and too tired to care

there were nights
i told myself
i had nothing left to live for…

but then

then

a little birdie spoke to me

i got off the medications
slimmed down, and saw
that i was beautiful
and
not only
because *he* said so
but
because i was…

i became inspired
driven
strong…

because

i realized

i have
this
will to live
to love
to succeed…

specifically
because i know

it will piss you off

Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
Copyright 2003 *anathema*
Published on Wednesday, October 1, 2003.     Filed under: "Poetry"
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Comments on "Suicidal Study (or why i dropped the knife)"

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  • A former member wrote: been through it all, it sometimes is weird to me to see that something i went through feeling so alone is so "common" after all. that i really wasnt alone the whole time, but couldnt open up to anyone about the fight. its hard to write pieces like this, thank you for sharing.

  • A former member wrote: this was good and decriptive

  • DarkestOnyx On Tuesday, June 15, 2010, DarkestOnyx (3)By person wrote:

    i absolutely adore this. pure and simply, thank you

  • Kinkypoptart On Sunday, April 24, 2005, Kinkypoptart (555)By person wrote:

    Great write. i love the way you ended this... and began it... and wrote in the middle of the beginning and the end... and I guess I just like the whole thing. lol. ~*~Tart~*~

  • A former member wrote: specifically ''because i know it will piss you off'' best part. if you cant do something good for yourself because its good for you then do it because it'll piss someone else off. youll never regret it.

  • A former member wrote: What am amazing piece of work! It oozes with true human emotion. It doesn't bullshit through fancy writing style or metaphor or any tools to sheild work. It's raw and beautiful! Great job!

  • Anybody_Killette On Friday, December 5, 2003, Anybody_Killette (47)By person wrote:

    i felt that.. felt it so deeply... this line especially meanwhile i took my pills religiously hated myself almost as devotedly i was too miserable to cut myself and too tired to care there were nights i told myself i had nothing left

  • KittyStryker On Friday, December 5, 2003, KittyStryker (711)By person wrote:

    i thought you might... but hon... there's always some kind of reason, annoying though it may be. ::hug:: direct your anger outwards... towards your peers. ;)

  • Loserland On Sunday, October 26, 2003, Loserland (113)By person wrote:

    very moving positive piece...

  • Elf On Saturday, October 11, 2003, Elf (47)By person wrote:

    i understand the feeling; my mother certaintly doesn't expect me to make it; haha! but i will, i've come close to suicide, but have a will to live.

  • A former member wrote: Ha! I hope it does piss them off. Yes, you definately need to be here. And I am glad to see someone talk about suicide and how they over came it. (We're always complaining about people not writing those, right?) This really is inspiring...

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