My Views On Body Image

By applecookies

So I heard you could post rants on here... well I had an epiphany tonight and here is what I came to realize. 

My life changed tonight as I searched desperately for ways to help my friend fighting bulimia. I came a across a YouTube video and the guru talked about how dieting is the main trigger of eating disorders, how our bodies know what they want and every body varies. There is no perfect diet, no exact science and society may tell us that dieting is healthy, but in reality it stems from negative core thoughts. A light bulb went off in my head, especially as the guru went through diets she had tried in the past, I simultaneously checked them off in my mind. Throughout most of my life, I have watched what I ate, I have let food control me, but I won’t anymore. Personally I believe I was most beautiful when I was innocent and young, and I felt the best about myself as well. My skin was fresh and clean. I could eat whatever I wanted and then exert all the energy to burn the food, being fat never even crossed my mind back then. I was happy in my body, I loved who I was, I wasn’t afraid to be anything and I said what was on my mind. Then one day in fifth grade people started making walrus noises at me, calling me fat, telling me I needed to watch what I ate. The beautiful perception I had of myself crumbled. I became anorexic and although I have recovered, I have worried about food ever since. I can’t remember the last time I ate something decadent without planning my diet to come. I would tell myself, yes Ashley you may have the cake, but you can’t eat anything more until dinner. Or tell myself, Ashley you can’t afford to eat the cake now, you have prom or a dance coming up, don’t eat till after the dance, you want to look “good” in your dress. But see what is this image of “good” we all have in our minds?? It’s not based on own standards, its based on the standards others have put on us. My 8-year-old self would have eaten the cake without a worry. And I strive to have that freedom again. We look at children as naïve but naïve has a negative connotation, in fact children have so much more freedom than we as adults will ever have. When I was little I didn’t care what my body or clothes looked like, I mean sometimes I didn’t even wear clothes and I thought I was pretty. No one ever held me back. But I look at myself today, I care what people think, I watch what I say, I spend time worrying about makeup and hair and acne and the size of my clothes. Girls today are so bogged down by so many aspects of appearance that they hardly have time to live. You go to a party and you may have an awesome time but there’s that girl who is gorgeous, and that girl that gets all the guys, and the girl that knows what to say, and you look in the mirror and none of these girls are you. I know this happens to me all the time.  I constantly compare myself to others around me and if someone points out a flaw, I strive to make the change. Going back to what I said about dieting in the beginning, after hearing what the guru said I thought about what my life would be like if I didn’t care what I ate, or didn’t care what clothes I wore, or how my hair looked, or clothes fit on me. I thought about it and it sounded like absolute bliss! And then this idea came into my head, I was this way one a long time ago, is it possible to train my brain to love myself as I once did and block out all the pressure society has put on me? I believe the answer is yes and that is what I want to strive to do. I’ve been pretty depressed lately entirely because of body image related reasons, I can’t imagine living in a world where appearance doesn’t define you and I am eager to find out. I’m taking this challenge!!! I have also come to the realization that no matter how hard I try to help my friend recover, nothing will ever come of it if I don’t recover myself.

xoxo beautiful people,
Ashley 

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Copyright 2014 applecookies
Published on Saturday, February 8, 2014.     Filed under: "Rant"
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