Beta Wolf Breakdown
By BetaWolfinVA
Is this as broken as i think it is - past repair?
How do you get someone that you offended when he took the one you really
loved to allow you to share her... or them? (did i say beta... maybe i
should say omega, certainly fits the way i feel)
How evil am I?
How broken am I?
====================================
I met a woman nigh on 20 years ago, (lets call her Raven) we live very
far apart, i managed to visit every weekend or so, I was never jealous
of the other men that Raven was seeing, when i could come, she was always
making time for me, and she was always on the phone with me.
Like clockwork, she would leave me a little before valentines day, and come back to me shortly there after. I was always her life line.
Raven leaves me three years later after I realize that it is getting harder and harder to control my self with her and reduced the number of visits..
Two years later, she Calls me up telling me that she is planning on
moving in. I am starting a relationship with someone, and i tell her no,
the relationship shatters.
a few months later, when i finally work up the courage, she is in a relationship.
I eventually get married to someone else (Lets call her Porcelin Doll),
it starts ok, but there is always something missing... Then Raven comes
back into my life, and I am alive again. I tell Porcelain that i do not
want to hurt her, but that I cannot go on like this, I go back to the phone
crying. She makes me go back down stairs and take Porcelain back. I tell
her that Raven and I want her to stay (Half right, the important one does-it
takes me 7 years to break this geas.. seriously, 7 years? Celtic blood
sucks I don't think that Raven is a Sidhe, but who knows). Porcelain says
that Raven can move in, but that Raven will eventually find her own man
and that raven and I cannot play. Porcelain was the senior wife, and so
she made the rules, Raven was in my life, and i could accept hearing the
moans from Ravens room because at least someone was having a good time.
Not quite following the rules, When ever there is a time in the morning
before i go to work that Raven is home and Porcelain has already left,
i would snuggle holding Raven while she slept, and just be. (i found out
years later that she never knew. Though it may have started at her instigation
initially and she just wasn't aware of the repetition over the months).
She trys to get me to leave Porcelain many times, and I am incapable of
it.
Raven eventually meets Samwise. He eventually moves in, I think that Raven
has let him know how I feel and what I believe is going on, but it appears
now that he had DaneLaw sensibilities.
They announce their impending marriage, Porcelain is ecstatic, I start
a slow collapse and go passive aggressive about it all, Bad enough Samwise
moved in and we never became friends, but he acted stunned that i would
respond to his happy time like he was tearing into my chest and ripping
my heart and soul out, I refuse an offer of surrogacy (none of Ravens children
would ever be raised by Porcelain, and the method of delivery fell short
of my hopes.)
They eventually move out after one morning where Samwise and Porcelain
are working ... and she realizes that it is not Samwise holding her, she
wakes up, and runs out of the room and calls Samwise, the Following exchange
is very productive "No Means no" being answered by "From Her" (i really
should have realized that she didn't know, and it was stupid of me to think
that even if she did know that i would have to ask if she wanted it to
continue). In one of the disagreements, Liken them leaving the house to
a divorce.
About a month or more after they leave, they send an invitation, i cannot accept, especially since Porcelain wants to go and see the demon buried, and I do not trust my self during the challenge question.
Now that It is just me and Porcelain, I fall apart, start cruising AFF
to find someone to make it easy for me to stay with Porcelain..., and eventually
i see where Porcelain has told her friends about looking for a Lawyer.
Geas Conditions Fulfilled.
I divorce her.
Long after it would do me any good. (i think that i shattered porcelain
doll when i left, and i regret that)
I look for many years, convincing my self that Raven is happy with Samwise, i get a better job, talk to a therapist for a few years, and meet Gea, my current wife.
When Raven calls, Gea is way smarter (and has a real job even if the
absurdly long commute sucks it out of her), and shuts it down cold. For
two years we were ok, despite 14% of our income going to her sisters household
(should have been PolyGyny instead of one guy with two baby mamma's, one
of which gets support, the one that is not my Sister in law). Its february
of this year, and i get a FB request from Raven, i think i hit ignore.
April, the money issue is getting tighter, i cannot get Gea a birthday
present because of bills, the one thing i can think of is not something
she is interested in (an actual massage from a female massuse that she
is friends with). Gea is not happy with me, our money situation, and my
Halo addiction. Her Windows Phone breaks, she uses my old Iphone, and around
the end of april i use the iphone to order food and see that the web browser
is open to some mans profile.
I start to feel liberated, I spend a month or so spiraling out of control,
messening Raven on FB, but things are working out with Samwise again, we
message for a while. Ravens birthday passes.
I ask Gea about the profile, she says that she still gets spam e-mails from when we both were on multiple sites and wound up together, and it opened up and she didnt close it. I don't know.... But i was not able to tell her what i did in response
Eventually I get raven to hidden friend me on facebook.
we start texting. I ask her if she swings, She tells me about here.
I Misinterpet it as an arms length invitation.
I start asking about photos and videos, even if i cannot play my self (Other
men are ok as casual fuckbuddies for raven, but Samwise still hates me
- even if he didn't and Gea is in the danelaw and would understand).
The attempt to repair the cracked screen has failed, by phone is down, and the last text i got from raven is the one where she said that "fuck buddies are one thing, but she doesnt want to be oogled by her ex
Ex Husband? Ex Boyfriend? Ex Property? Ex Dupe?
If i fail in repairing my marriage to Gea (my heart is not in it, and
I now play halo to not cry), how do i rebuild the bridges that never existed
with Samwise?