Best Fucking Lease Ever Invented, Fucker.

This is the actual lease I just signed with my freind (Scurvy) who will be renting my house from me after I move. This is an actual legal document which we both signed.

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1. Rent will be $750 per month (moist money is acceptable) payable by the 1st of every month. Except if said month ends on Boxing Day. In this instance, moneys will be due on said Canadian holiday.
2. Renter assumes all utilities, and a certain inner calm.
3. Upkeep of the property shall be the renter’s responsibility, up to $500. Any use of the Yen is strongly discouraged. No grapes.
4. Any additional renters will need to sign a copy of this lease, especially Mike Tyson, and chortle as they do it.
5. Late fees are right out.
6. Pets are allowed with permission of LORD OF THE LAND.
7. Major alterations will need approval of LORD OF THE LAND.
8. Agreement will be for a one year lease; at the end of the year lease will automatically renew month-to-month.
9. 30 day notice must be given before moving out.
10. Lease can be amended at any time with agreement of both parties, over a steak. This date will be Dutch; beer to be consumed post signing. Scurvy will probably consume more of said beer.
11. Don’t forget about number 4, subsection 3.
12. Rent will be sent to(my new address) Omaha, NE,,,, 68137. Upon disappearance of the home at this address, I am not responsible. Daniel Boone did it. He had a knife. In the future.
13. Proper rules of grammar will be followed at all times, except during the creation of this lease, and; the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.
14. No agreement should end with 13.

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LORD OF THE LAND

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Tenant, lowly serf, The Dark Ones’ Personal Carpenter


PS I really wanted 13 to read

13) Proper rules of grammar will be followeed at all times, except during the creation of this lease, and;

but the tenant argued point 13 tenaciously and won the day.